Humpjones

Posted Jun 13, 2007 4 comments

As I have recently told a large number of people, my favorite rapper on the planet Earth right now is Adam Kadmon.  I can’t really describe him without making him sound like a comic book character. 

He is a comic book character, let’s start there.  He sings and he raps and he plays every instrument he can get his hands on and produces The Hot Newness pretty much full-time.  He also has a sketchy job working for nameless agencies.  He also makes his own electronic devices, many of which are used to record his singular music—the rest of them are used for altering human biorhythms and triggering “peak experiences” for large masses of people, all without being detected.  He does many neat things.

He’s also generous enough to sit down for an interview even though I called sometime after 3 AM and I was obveeyuthlee drunkh.  He’s a giving dude. He can be difficult to understand at times, much like Hemmingway.  Thanks to Modemspy for recording the conversation:

HJ: What gets you out of bed?  What is your overall life mission?

AK: Man, thats a good question. I get out of bed because it means that I woke up, and if I woke up that means I’ll have to take a leak, and that in turn leads to eating and all that other minutae you have to do if you wish to continue waking up...so its something you just have to do. But thats different than my overall mission, I imagine. Overall I’d like to keep myself entertained and maintain a sense that I’m getting better...nurture that feeling that I am changing myself and the world around me for the better. How exactly...who knows.

You have a reputation as an intergalactic pimp of sorts.  How should I approach that topic in question format?

Well thats a slippery slope...when asking things of an intergalactic pimp you must choose your words carefully from the akashic dictionary ...you must use many different kinds of esoteric punctuation that may seem strange and threatening to you. You must look within yourself...then add a question mark.

Are you working towards a studio setup where you’ve hand-made each component?

Yes I’d like to build or at the very least modify every component of my dream studio, and i am working...always working towards that dream studio with fancy pyrotechnics and and drunk 18 year olds splayed lewdly about. I’d much rather build something than buy it because when you have an intimate knowledge of your hardware, you are able to tweak it in all manner of ways that are fucked up.

What is your most recent invention?

Well, right now I’m working on the second prototype of a bowed stringed instrument, the body is made of resin and local grasses ...like a sort of paper mache. The first was based on mache and a plastic membrane with sympathetic strings, but now I want to try a sort of piezoelectric feedback system, which i think could act as a sympathetic sort of weird sustain type...well yeah you get...it just may work.

Would you consider moving to Vermont if we built you an underground lab and/or workshop?

No, i would definitely move to Vermont if you built a laboratory...especially if it was in some sort of dilapidated high school ...that’s my dream...vines, high voltage, Bunsen burners and broken windows… off in the overgrown Vermont outback all romantic and decrepit.

Has it been difficult working with the infamous hippies of World-Around Records?

Hippies work now? Man. World Around Records is really tailor made for me and hopefully vice versa.

I heard your computer got fried completely.  Was sabotage or treachery involved?

The first time it happened i suspected Al-Qaeda, but its all me. I don’t believe in letting anything run according to the manufacturers specifications. I like to tweak things… make things to plug into other things. The result of all of this creativity is some nifty inventions, but also expensive technology in constant peril.

What does the summer hold for a heavy customer such as yourself?

Well I can’t pretend to know, but it will involve music.

If you could eliminate any color in the spectrum, what would you choose
to do?

Hmm well i’d make threats....for instance “if you ever want to see chartreuse again you’ll buy that algorythms record”...I’m a tyrant at heart.

Further Reading for Curious Primates

Start with Adam Kadmon’s official website, which is not a MySpace page despite looking like one, and being generously hosted by the MySpace servers.  Big dog shout to Rupert Murdoch—good looking out, dude.

He’s also done up DIY tutorials on making your own MIDI Control Surface, and a highly unique sustain pedal.

You can also catch some exclusive Kadmon downloads over at Essential Hip Hop.

4 comments

Filed in: The Music

Posted Jun 12, 2007 4 comments

Last time I was on VH1, I had some tightly wound intern ask me if I “took myself seriously as a journalist.” It reminded me of when Charlie Rose kept insisting on calling me a “blogger” instead of admitting I was the finest author of this or any other generation. Look, folks—I’m just a humble creative genius, and I don’t want to deal with the baggage of your primate labels.  I never asked to be a journalist, it just comes naturally.  Beneath this beard waits a chin that even Peter Jennings and Dan Rather would bow down to.  (Tom Brokaw could not be reached for comment.)

Welcome to the New Media—it used to be that big networks like ABC projected The News at We, the serfs and peasants.  These days, they steal it from us. Remember my article from June 6th, that was published on June 6th, where I discussed the fact couples making their own porn and putting it up online was increasingly slowing online growth of the “Adult Insdustry”?  That was back on June 6th.

Yesterday on June 11th, lo and behold, ABC poached my headline yet again.  “DIY Porn is Killing the Adult Industry? HELL YEAH” was scrubbed down to the more palatable but structurally identical “Free Porn Threatens Adult Film Industry”.  Bear witness:

VENGANCE IS MINE, MARCUS BARAM

The author/thief is listed as Marcus Baram, and as it turns out, for guy with sticky fingers and no professional ethics, he’s a pretty cool customer.  He’s just a dumb young kid with good intentions, trying to make it in this topsy-turvy world, looking for a place to call his own.  All we ever wanted was to come in from the cold.

VENGANCE IS MINE, BILL O’REILLY

The FBI came in and warned me and a few other people at FOX News that Al Qaeda had us on a death list.

Peope don’t realize that every single day, Bill O’Reilly has his nuts dangling over the line.  He stands there, naked and vulnerable, yet his courage and his convictions make those gently quivering man-eggs into the Hardest Hard Target since Jean-Claude Seagal Norris made love to Pam Grier.  Bill puts those aging testicles over the line because he is taunting the enemy, daring them to lash out at him and make Their Last Mistake.  The point I’m trying to get across here is that Bill O’Reilly is way too Man for fear, especially fear of Al Qaeda.

Especially since he made that bullshit up.

There is a connection here, and this is it:

Marcus Baram recently investigated Bill’s revelation and found it to be a steaming puddle of bullshit.  When he actually asked the FBI, they were just confused: “I’m not aware of any FBI agents warning anyone at FOX News of their presence on any list.  For that matter, I’m not aware of any Al Qaeda hit list targeting journalists.” Of course, that’s a nameless FBI agent quote—so perhaps Baram just made that up.  It never hurts to be paranoid in this business, especially since my FBI contacts indicate Baram is a deep cover agent for dreaded Latin American dictator Hugo Chavez.

I know I’m supposed to be wreaking my terrible vengance and all, but I can’t resist one more Bill quote:

“I’ll tell you what. I’ve been in combat. I’ve seen it, I’ve been close to it… and if my unit is danger, and I’ve got a captured guy, and the guy knows where the enemy is, and I’m looking him in the eye, the guy better tell me. That’s all I’m gonna tell you. The guy better tell me. If it’s life or death, he’s going first.”

Okay, Marcus Baram did a good job.

Now that I’ve finished my superjoint ritual, I’ve mellowed out enough to admit it: Marcus did a much better article than mine. So to apologize for over-reacting, I’m going to steal all the best quotes and publish them here:

“The DVD market is a battle that we’re losing,” says Drew Rosenfeld, the creative director of Hustler Video Group. “Looking back historically, we’re at less than half in numbers. Even a line like Barely Legal, which is our hero brand, used to be off the charts and it’s gone down to a third of what it used to be a few years ago.”

See, it never dawned on me to call Drew, even though I fished him out of a hot tub the last time we hung out and basically saved his life.  Maybe it’s time to admit I just don’t think like a journalist.

You can read the rest of Marcus Baram’s excellent (and STOLEN) article right here.

4 comments

Filed in: The War on Sex

Posted Jun 08, 2007 10 comments

By most estimates, 85% of the US male population is circumcized.  That adds up to about 126 million guys, and I’m laughing at every single one of them.  I’m eternally grateful to my father for refusing to allow the quacks at Copley Hospital to lop off the tip of my dick.  I find myself wondering, just like millions of other men around the world, what the reasoning behind circumcision could possibly be ...see, I can’t tell if it’s insanely sadistic or just cosmically retarded.

Who Thinks This Shit Up?

Although wikipedia is mostly a wasteland of common sense and whitewash, it’s good for occasional gems...and surely, this is one of them:

It has been variously proposed that male circumcision began as a religious sacrifice, as a rite of passage marking a boy’s entrance into adulthood, as a form of sympathetic magic to ensure virility, as a means of suppressing sexual pleasure, as an aid to hygiene where regular bathing was impractical, as a means of marking those of lower (or higher) social status, as a means of differentiating a circumcising group from their non-circumcising neighbors, as a means of discouraging masturbation or other socially proscribed sexual behaviors, to increase a man’s attractiveness to women, as a symbolic castration, as a demonstration of one’s ability to endure pain, or as a male counterpart to menstruation or the breaking of the hymen.

Well boy howdy, that just about covers it.  Although...they omitted my theory that inflicting horrible pain on newborn infants is a psychic food source for the same invisible monsters that have been feeding off mankind for thousands of years now, creating our religions and lying to our psychics.  Fortunately, I’m not too attached to that theory, having learned there’s no money in telling people the truth.

Jesus Had a Forskin, Too

I’m willing to bet a number of Hump Jones readers are already familiar with the Holy Prepuce—which is the polite name of the Foreskin of Christ.  Catholics have an utterly disturbed fascination with bodily relics—the Head of John the Baptist, limbs of various Saints and the weapons used to kill them—but with Jesus, they found themselves in a bit of a pickle.  Essential to the myth of Christianity is maintaining the legend of Christ bodily ascending to Heaven, so having any Sacred Leftovers would be unthinkable.  No matter how great the tourist attraction, it would also ruin the whole gig. 

It took over a thousand years for some enterprising monk to hit upon a solution—after all, Jesus Christ was Jewish, so he would have been circumsized at birth!  Of course, only a Catholic would be blind enough to think anyone actually had The Real Deal...especially since over a dozen churches have all claimed to have The Real Deal...but that’s what the Catholic Faith is all about.  I won’t waste my time on contempt for the hollow corpse of the Vatican’s Empire, they’re just a punchline these days....

....BUT WHAT A PUNCHLINE!  The Holy Prepuce was the hot tourist destination of the 1500’s.  The Pope himself decreed that any pilgrim visiting the wrinkled relic would recieve a ten year indulgence.  I’m no expert, but that would appear to mean that a full decade of rape, murder, and theft could be washed away just by making the trek to see the savior’s foreskin.  If you’re interested in recieving an indulgence of your own, check out this site, where you can get some for free (no joke).

After a few centuries of that, the snickering of thinking people was growing so loud they could even hear it in Rome.  Finally, in 1900, the Vatican announced that anyone who even wrote or spoke about the Holy Prepuce would be excommunicated.  Touchy dudes in funny hats, or the greatest humanitarians on Earth?  YOU DECIDE.

Regenerating Foreskins—Really.

Apparently, even if you were circumcised decades ago, it’s still not too late.  The foreskin can be regrown with the aid of tools like MySkinClamp—and I’m not making this up.  (For surreal and vaguely scary photo instructions, click here.) Of course, what grows back is essentially scar tissue—nerve-dead but still useful as natural ribbing.  In the long run, perhaps the savings on regular vs. ribbed condoms will pay for the cost of the clamp itself?

I found that one through the magic of Google Ads—yet another source of online income, I know.  Is Hump Jones turning into a mere Get Rich Quick Blog?  On the other hand, what kind of hippie could have a problem with getting rich, quick?  On the other other hand, do we really have to call these things “blogs”?  That sounds like another name for “turd,” doesn’t it? 

I won’t answer those questions today, but I will thank everyone for being patient through the long hiatus.  The reason is really simple: I stopped getting high.  It’s summertime, though, and all that has finally changed.  Expect Hump Jones to get moving at the same unholy velocity you knew and loved.  More on circumcision tomorrow—it’s an amazingly fertile topic. In closing, here’s a handful of foreskins for you to chew on (hideously enough, they’re made of chocolate). 

10 comments

Filed in: Sex Science

Posted Jun 06, 2007 4 comments

I was wondering when this would finally happen.  See, in addition to being the single greatest sex journalist who has ever lived, I’m also a musician.  (I know,I know...take a few moments to compose yourself.) The music industry has been dying a slow, agonized and completely hilarious death for about five years now, and it will probably be another decade before it’s cancerous heart finally stops pounding. 

The cause of that dinosaur’s demise?  None other than the very same internets that bring you to my bedroom, dear reader.  Today, after a century of social repression, mafia control, brutal exploitation and bizarre legal battles, the recently mainstreamed Adult Entertainment Industry is discovering that their time in the sun might be very short indeed.  Because the internets are beginning to eat away at their profit margins, and decentralize the Smut Monopoly that they’ve been taking for granted all along.

Don’t Get Me Wrong, Here

Now look, I’m not proclaiming The End Of Porn As We Know It.  But the warning signs are quite real: a recent Ars Technica article notes:

DVD sales and rentals have dropped by 15 to 25 percent in the last year, according to industry estimates, and some believe that it could fall further if the industry doesn’t catch up with new online trends.

It’s tempting to make wet, sloppy metaphors, such as “Jenna Jameson was the Britney Spears of porno,” or “Hustler charging $8.99 an issue was essentially the same as asking $17.99 for a piece of shit CD.” However, Jenna Jameson is (somehow) less fucked-up than Spears, and you’ll never buy a CD that includes excellent articles re-examining 9-11, or proclaiming Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity “Asshole of the Month”.  And no record executive in the history of mankind has had even a fraction of the balls that Larry Flynt has been demonstrating for most of his adult life.

Just the same, Adult Entertainment is a polite metaphor for JIGGLING NUTS SLAMMING SHAVED BEAVER, and as poetic as that is, it’s not a business plan with much longevity behind it. After all, any set of testicles will jiggle when set in motion, and thanks to Gilette and Norelco, anyone can shave their beaver.  This is why DIY, homemade pornography is increasingly presenting a challenge to the existing purveyors of smut.

Let’s Recap

Remember the last article I wrote here?  Consider this further encouragement.  The major companies are about to start pouring money into affiliate programs, in a desperation attempt to get ahold of the online market they’ve been sneering at from their hot tubs in southern California.  It’s probably too late, but their money is still money, and you could be there to recieve some.

Professional studios have stated that they are attempting to catch up with the shift in public consumption trends by selling more online downloads and revamping their web sites to be more useable and professional.

Wow, good call, guys. When I read stuff like I that, I get a full-blown e-rection, because that means that Back Brain Media is at least a full year ahead of the Big Boys.  Even the online porn world has seen a 14% drop in revenue, which is hilarious, because Tasty Free Love has been seeing a 14% increase every day since we started working on it.

Let the Losers Have the Last Word

“We use good-quality lighting and very good sound,” Red Light District president David Joseph told the New York Times, yet the company reports a sales drop of 30 percent over the last two years.

Oh yeah, Asus just announced their new laptop—it costs $189. Looks like the future belongs to the little guy after all.

4 comments

Filed in: Zeitgeist

Posted Jun 01, 2007 8 comments

The logical place to start would be Where I’ve Been, with a side dish of What I’ve Been Doing.  Fortunately, I’m drunk right now, so don’t worry—there will be no explanations from me.  They would all be lies anyway. 

I’ve been in Montreal, hiding from some charges that involved a freezer full of snowballs being thrown at some cops back in May.  Is it still May?  Either way, I’ve been diving headfirst into the pornography biz and let me tell you—I can’t figure out why I didn’t do this back in high school. 

...STILL A STUPID HIPPIE FAG

Given all my recent research on making huge amounts of money online, I’m probably doing this all wrong. What I should do is package this article up as a PDF and pad it with a bunch of NLP templates to alternately make the reader feel empowered and totally inferior to me.  Then I could sell it you via email for $97.  Instead, I’m just going to give it away free, knowing that nobody will take advantage of the buffet table I am spreading out before you.

I got wired $1000 this week.  Have you ever been wired money?  It’s pretty damn cool. The name on the transfer wasn’t even mine, but I have ID to prove that it was.  I walked out of the Western Union with ten $100 dollar bills, and I got that money from pornography.  I haven’t contacted any venereal diseases, and I have yet to try heroin.  (Cocaine?  Not a fan.) I didn’t fuck anyone on camera, and I didn’t hire models to copulate for me.

Well, wait, let me rephrase that...I have hired models to perform sex acts for my entertainment before, but what I’m saying is, that’s not what I got paid for.  “Beyond the scope of this humble article,” as I say so often when I’m too lazy and/or stoned to pursue a train of thought. 

You, too can make money off the Pornography Business without ever dealing with porn stars, learning what an f-stop is, or having to suck Al Goldstien’s warty dick.  Of course, this also means you never get to party with Charlie Sheen, eat mushrooms at the AVN Awards, or ejaculate on Tera Patrick’s back.  Don’t misconstrue me—there’s a lot to recommend the West Coast incarnation of Big Porn.  It’s not all herpes and rugburn, kids.

HOW IS THIS EVEN LEGAL???

I DON’T EVEN KNOW!!! But it is.  And if it’s not, fuck it, I’m still getting away with it and so can you.  It’s called Affiliation—this is not pyramid “Affiliate Marketing” schematics, but if you’re interested in the Hump Jones Overnight Millionaire Regimen, I have a totally BULLETPROOF master plan to sell you for just $49 that will TURBOCHARGE YOUR INCUM and MAXXXIMIZE YOUR SUCKCESS.  Just put the money into my paypal and let me know if it worked!  Sorry, no refunds.

But seriously, folks—not that I was kidding—let me pose you a question.  Did you know that most of the porno sites you occasionally visit offer programs that make you money for free?  Does that sound insane?  Are you highly skeptical of my claim that I actually get paid to look at pornography?  Because I do, and see....your skepticism is exactly why I make so much money doing it. Hardly anyone believes me when I talk about this stuff, which is why I’m kicking off Phase Two of the Hump Jones Experience with this particular article.

AM I TESTING YOUR PATIENCE YET???

So far, that’s been 8 paragraphs with zero actual content.  Here’s the blueprint with no further bullshit: I look at pornography in order to create customized galleries and find quality material for a site we run that is not even launched yet.  I will not name it here, but I will say that it has already made us (way too much) money, without a sitemap or even a shred of that ”SEO” horseshit that most web hucksters will beat you on the forehead for not knowing.  (And then when you do know it, you realized even they don’t use it properly...but that’s beyond the scope of this humble blah blah fuckin blah...)

The demand for porn really is that high.  Only having seen it in action, working for me...only now do I truly appreciate what the statistics really mean.  For instance, that around 40% of all internet traffic, at any given moment, is people looking for something to masturbate to, or at least fantasize and fetishize over.  If you would like step-by-step guidance from established experts who are much more competent and coherent than me, well, that’s coming right up.  Because look: you’d be insane to listen to me, especially considering I just made that last statistic up.

Let the folks from Sensual Liberation Army walk you through the process.  I will only vouch for it, and say—and here’s the only true thing in this whole article—that I’m drinking some amazingly good Hondouran coffee right now, with soy milk, all of which was paid for through a porn site that’s not even up and running yet.  This really works, if you do it right. The reason I’m giving away my “secrets” is because I know that hardly anyone reading this will follow through, and probably none of you will do it right.

Yup....feels good to be back.

THE REAL MEAT IS RIGHT HERE

SLA GUIDE TO MAKING REAL MONEY WITH PORN AFFILIATE PROGRAMS

8 comments

Filed in: Zeitgeist