Humpjones

Posted Mar 22, 2007 4 comments

Journalists are lazy, stupid and mostly worthless.  I realize that’s a blanket statement, but after less than a year doing actual research over at Brainsturbator, I’ve rapidly come to realize that journalism is little more than gossip with footnotes, and footnotes don’t mean shit.  A prime example of this would be the constantly repeated “fact” that the US porno business makes over $10 billion dollars a year. 

This is one of those lies that everyone wants to believe, so everyone just repeats it without taking the time to verify it—like how O.J. Simpson was the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby, how Saddam Hussian financed 9-11, or how Scarlett Johannsen will sleep with anyone who takes her out to dinner.  (Tried that twice, now I owe my label $4000 and my wife won’t return my calls. I would urge you to learn from my experience.)

Finding precise figures is slippery, but very rewarding.  I realize that reads like the setup for the Worst Pun Ever, but I promise to skip the usual winks and nudges—after all, that’s something a journalist would do.  Journalists like Frank Rich, who wrote a downright giddy article for New York Times Magazine about the “Adult Entertainment Industry” and claimed that it makes $10 to $14 billion a year.

The great thing about the Internets is that it’s full of people who are neither lazy nor stupid, and a lot of them have been calling Bullshit on Frank Rich’s story ever since.  Forbes Magazine waded into the debate and claimed the real figure was “between $2.6 billion and $3.9 billion”—which is still a great deal of money, especially considering most of it is being poured directly into the cocaine business.

This ain’t moral indignation—if you really want to talk about wasting money, I’m a lot more concerned about Pfizer or Lockheed Martin, you know? 

MyStroke Murdoch and Real Smut Kings

Urban legends are generally rooted in truth, only the truth is way less easy to explain, and not nearly as entertaining at parties.  AT&T and General Motors are both huge, normal American corporations who were both, very quietly, tapping into the large market for jiggling titties on a TV screen.  They also both got caught, and due to pressure from Christian activist groups, they both dropped their holdings in the titties jiggling business. 

Do you take for granted that Christians are ignorant?  It can be easy to do, since most “Christians” don’t even recognize quotes from their own scripture, and will often claim that they need to consult some Reverend or Pastor about the solution to whatever questions or contradications you bring up.  But these people are merely poodles. Don’t ever confuse them with actual Christians.

Every single “group” you can think of, aside from just being a human abstraction, is generally composed of at least two parts. A small core of very capable and intelligent people who have thought their beliefs through, surrounded by much larger group of poodles, who merely claim to be a member of the group.  This is true for music scenes, political parties, the New Age movement and anything else you want to plug into it.

Fox News, for instance, is surrounded by a massive protective layer of truly delusional humans.  But don’t get smug...that’s camouflage, baby. For this precise reason it’s easy to forget about just how intelligent and capable that small core is.  Fox has no problem being involved with the weirdest shows on TV, just like it has no problem being involved with the porn industry, because it has all bases covered.  They don’t need lobbyists, they have stores in airports, they work for the White House and the Pentagon. When AT&T got the heat turned up, they went belly-up and started naming names:

The Hot Network is offered by many of our competitors and other cable companies, including General Motors’ DirecTV national satellite service, Cox Communications, Comcast Corporation, Cablevision Systems, Charter Communications, MediaOne, Insight Communications, and video services operated by telephone companies such as GTE, SNET, and U S WEST. The Dish Network, owned by Echo Star, offers similar and even more explicit programming services.

Since that letter was written, a lot of those companies flaked out like little sissy girly-men, and so there were a bunch of people dropping their holdings in porn.  Rupert Murdoch was there to pick them up.  His News Corporation could be getting smaller in the future—it’s Hump Jones, we have to gravitate towards sex:

Anna insisted on a guarantee about the future of their three offspring, Elisabeth, Lachlan and James, within News Corporation - a condition Murdoch would hardly contest...when Murdoch’s estranged wife learnt about his relationship with 32-year-old Wendi Deng several months later, any hope of an early settlement evaporated. The pair now appear to be bunkering down for a long war of attrition. Anna Murdoch wants Rupert Murdoch to pay.

The Invisible Hand of Cable Porn

Ah, Wendy, you work so well on so many levels.  One of them is being a distraction from the real juicy stuff that gets buried in the bottom of the articles:

To any outsider, Murdoch’s wealth has transcended the normal meaning of the word; far beyond the simple calculation of the number of dollars at his command. There is the power that comes with the sheer weight of money. And as a media baron, his aura of influence has extended well beyond that of any of his super-rich peers.

But what hasn’t been known is that, for decades, Murdoch has owned next to nothing.

The fabulous wealth accumulated during a lifetime of ruthless determination and daring risk has been salted away in an intricate network of trusts and private companies in which, technically and legally, he has no involvement.

Meanwhile, Rupert has conquered the world.  Or something.  No, Rupert, you’re going to die and every single day from now until then, that young wife of yours will hate you a little more.  Each morning, that little black pit in her heart will get a little denser, a little colder, and soon enough she won’t even be looking at you, old man.  Not because she hates you, not because she can’t bear to look, but because she’s thinking of me.

4 comments

Filed in: Sex Science

Posted Mar 14, 2007 10 comments

Although this ravishingly profound masterpiece will address the topic of what can only be called puke porn, I would like the make it clear to you, the reader, that I’m not going to be showing you any.  See, I happen to think that it’s a motherfucking disgusting idea.  Perhaps you do, too...but if not, here’s a link, go away.

If vomiting turns you on, that’s no mere fetish, that’s a profound and fundamental malfunction.  Psychological studies have universally found vomiting to be the most repulsive and disgusting sound and image to human beings in nearly every culture.  Science has even proclaimed it ”The Worst Sound in the World.” The general thinking is that we have a neurologically hardwired reaction to avoid disease. 

Of course, that’s just scientists, and frankly...they’re not too bright.  I got over my revulsion of puke before I even graduated high school—there’s only so many hangovers you can muscle through before hurling your brains out is just plain no longer gross.  After awhile, it’s actually kind of funny, and that’s generally when you know you’ve got a Serious Life Problem on your hands. 

But my alcoholism is one thing.  Watching two naked Asian girls throw up on each other, repeatedly, is quite another.  As far as actually masturbating while you watch that...well, look, I don’t judge you or anything, I just don’t think of you as a human being. 

Nah, I’m kidding. My own predelictions are vastly more perverse, I’m in no position to point fingers at anyone, even if your own finger is firmly down your throat.  Emetophiles are, more often than not, educated and rational human beings, such as this enthusiast:

Before I get inundated with emails about the “dangers” I did not point out I will discuss some possible problems. Choking on ones vomit is a possibility in any situation, if a finger or penis is in your mouth it definitely could not help the situation. Also vomit is a body fluid and can carry diseases these could be transmitted if your vomited upon or come in contact with someone else’s puke.

Another angle that gets explored is the catharsis of blowing chunks—although I’m not fond of the ohshithereitcomes rush before it happens, I have to admit based on my extensive experience that the endorphin rush that follows a hangover purging is a lot like morphine.

....[There is] an analogy between the process of vomiting and an orgasm. The say stomach contractions are similar to the stomach spasms you have during an orgasm, vomiting releases the built up tension. The subsequent relief of nausea, or from the discomfort of an over full stomach, is like the euphoria one feels following an orgasm.

The Most Repressed Homo on Earth

The dawn of puking in porn can be traced back to Max Hardcore, who is a stain of a human being.  He’s also a highly under-rated philosopher—for example:

“It’s pretty easy to get a slut to spread solo for the camera, and quite a different matter to get her to take it up the ass and puke up piss.”

Now I know what you’re probably thinking—“I want someone to read that at my wedding and my funeral”—but Max Hardcore is actually a truly unhinged shithead, don’t let his eloquence fool you. 

Max Hardcore specializes in dressing up porn stars like 12-year old girls and basically abusing them brutally for 10-20 minutes, subjecting them to truly hateful and disgusting acts that I really don’t want to explain—if you’re morbidly curious, read the Rotten Library article.  (Or maybe the Wiki article is somehow “safer” because you’re at work...for a really overblown “cultural analysis”, try City Paper.)

Further Proof There Is No God

So Max Hardcore gets a four-story mansion in Pasadena—he’s worth millions—and meanwhile, random people all around the planet are afflicted with CVS.  No, not the pharmacy chain...that stands for Cyclical Vomiting Syndrome, which has to be among the worst weird diseases known to mankind.  The symptoms are a headfuck unto themselves:

CVS has been recognised for over 100 years, but we still know very little about the cause of the problem and there is still no recognised treatment.

CVS is characterised by recurrent, prolonged attacks of severe vomiting, nausea and lethargy, with no apparent cause. Vomiting persists at frequent intervals, 5-6 times per hour at the peak, for periods ranging from hours to10 days or more. It most commonly lasts for between 1 and 4 days. The episodes are self-limiting and tend to be similar to each other in symptoms and duration. The sufferer is generally in good health between episodes.

(As a supremely weird side note, when you poison a Sea Cucumber, it will actually eject it’s entire digestive tract, and spend the next few days regenerating a new one.  Next time you’re contemplating suicide in the bathroom after a Tequila binge, give that a shot, it might work.)

The Future of Puke Porn

The future will be even more interesting, though—as usual, thanks to the US military.  Via the Danger Room:

The Navy is sinking money in a radio-frequency weapon that shoots an invisible wall-penetrating beam, making people so dizzy, they fall over. The company researching the device is touting it as a “Star Trek hand-held Phaser Weapon set on ‘Stun.’” But it looks like the thing could be set on “puke,” too. “Second order” effects on the radio-frequency beam include “extreme motion sickness” and vomit. Your tax dollars, hard at work.

In closing, I apologize to anyone who was nauseated by this horrific and totally un-nescessary article.  I hope we can wipe the slate clean and finish on a grace note with a little Bible wisdom.  Congregation, please turn to the Book of Proverbs, Chapter 26, Verse 11:

As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.

AMEN.

10 comments

Filed in: Sex Science

Posted Mar 13, 2007 16 comments

Breathe.  Breathe.  The good news is, you’re not going to die.  Probably. As pharmaceutical population-control agents go, Viagra is still very much in the minor leagues: according to the lying whores at the Food and Drug Administration, it’s only managed to kill 128 people.  Well, okay, that’s only counting people who had a prescription for Viagra and died anyways—you probably got yours through a buddy or some sketchy website.  Yeah, that does change things a bit. Come to think of it, The American Medical Association places the actual death count at around 5,640...and that was back in 2003.

Fun fact: after Viagra was approved by the FDA, Pfizer admitted a few months later that 6 people had died during the clinical testing.  No, really.

Breathe.  Focus on relaxing your hips, try to visualize the blood flowing out of your dick and back into the rest of your body—which needs it, desperately.  2003 was quite a year—that’s around when it got revealed that Bayer had knowingly sold tens of thousands of people a hemophilia drug that actually contained HIV.  Once they were caught in the US, they shipped it overseas.  In the long run—you know, the slow, agonizing long run—the death toll will probably exceed 100,000.  But nobody’s been charged...nobody’s even been investigated for that one.  Keep breathing.

Did you know that over in the UK this year, they started selling Viagra over the counter?  Yeah, they did it on Valentine’s day.  Anyways, you’re suffering from what doctors call Priapism—it used to be called Satyriasis, but I guess that was a little too Pagan for our modern world.  Look, I’m gonna be upfront with you, man.  If this has been going on for more than four hours, your peter is fucked.  Clinically speaking. You’re doing irreparable and permanent damage to the soft, spongy tissue and the future is going to involve a lot of awkward explanations.  Assuming you ever have another girlfriend.  And on the bright side, you probably won’t.

Avoid looking at your dick.  That will actually prolong your erection—the jury is still out on why that is, exactly.  Perhaps it’s because of adolescent conditioning...you know, looking down at your willy while you stroke off.  Perhaps it’s because we’re all latent homosexuals, and you’re just not manly enough to admit it.  Either way, look up, dude.  Focus on other things.  Breathe.

When you get to the hospital, they’re going to give you an injection, right into the base of your dick.  Given the number of veins I can see on your forehead right now, though, you probably won’t feel it.  By the way, don’t wince quite so much—Viagra is known to cause blindness and you’re not helping your capillaries out by squeezing your face up so hard.  Although you do look pretty damn funny right now.  No offense or anything. They’re going to inject you with lidocaine, probably—if that doens’t work, they’re going to start aspirating your member. 

Yeah, that does mean more needles.  They’re basically going to start draining blood from your general cockular region.  You can get more later—if you’re lucky, it won’t have HIV in it.  But hey, as long as you’re not on any methamphetamine or amyl nitrate or cocaine or too wasted off those Jager-bombs, you’re going to live, bro.  You’re going to live a long and tortured life, and the funniest part is, that chick walked out on you about three hours before you called me.  No, no, I’m not laughing at you, I’m just really nervous.  Of course I’m not laughing at you. The ambulance will be here any minute, bro.  Breathe.  Breathe.

16 comments

Filed in: Sex Science

Posted Mar 10, 2007 5 comments

Ain’t a damn thing wrong with homosexuals.  On the other hand, military recruiters are among the most disgusting forms of life known to mankind.  Everyone needs a job—some of us club baby seals to death.  Some of us hang around mall parking lots looking for young men with low self-esteem.  We all do our part building the pyramids, and naturally, most of us get to be the slaves pushing stones uphill.

It’s a huge industry, though—not the military, I’m talking about being smug.  This is a Key Tactical Advantage of the whole Humpasaur Jones mythos: there’s no illusions of authority here, anyone can tell I’m full of shit because it’s basically written across my forehead.  This is a clown act by design, I get to be the crazy naked guy while tight-lipped people like Michelle Malkin write about hate-filled liberals as if any of it matters, as if the entire Western World isn’t eating itself alive with the same toxic hatred that’s been driving us insane for thousands of years now.

Do I drink a lot?  Well, let’s define our terms here—how many beers does it take before I can hold my tongue when people tell me that they’re excited about Barack Obama?  How many shots of Vodka do I need to stay polite during a political conversation?  I think my drinking is very much under control—it’s been months since I screamed about prison camps or international pedophile rings or the naked fact that over 30,000 kids are going to die today because they starved to death.

But enough about my White Guilt, even though it’s fucking hilarious and all—let’s focus on Matt Sanchez, the former porn star who’s igniting the latest media circus.  He got an award recently for his courage on the front lines of the War on Terror—that’s right, he’s a military recruiter at Columbia University.  It’s hard for a man to stay sane under that kind of pressure, so he was awarded the Jeanne Kirpatrick Academic Freedom Award at an event called the Conservative Political Action Conference. 

This event was also notable because the Anne Coulter hit a new low and called John Edwards a faggot and got a huge round of applause for it—which is actually kind of reassuring, because for years I thought I was insane or something.  See, it seemed to me that although we’ve all technically graduated high school, hardly any of us actually left...so watching a blonde woman call someone a faggot and get cheered for it was a good “aha” moment for me. 

The War on Uppitty College Bitches

Sanchez faced the same enemy that most military recruiters do—activists.  Activists are basically terrorists these days, and that’s crystal clear when you read about what Sanchez had to endure...check out this excerpt from his New York Post article that started the sideshow:

I figured that a dean [Mary McGee] so concerned about student inclusion would certainly look into a simple case of student harassment. You see, I had a problem: fellow student Monique Dols.

Back on Activities Day, Dols didn’t just lecture me on my stupidity in serving our nation; she also yelled that I was a baby killer. For a Marine, being called a killer is almost flattering - but for months Dols and her friends had been disrupting pretty much every event I attended.

Most men would have broken, but somehow Sanchez managed to soldier on, and keep being paid by the government to lie to kids about the benefits they’d recieve for joining the military.  I’m actually going to pass up the rich vein of material beneath his comment “for a marine, being called a killer is almost flattering”—because the core issue here is the most interesting, to me at least.  It’s also totally unspoken in a “controversy” that’s generated hundreds of thousands of words in print and online.

Does the Military Kill Babies?

Of course they do.  Millions of them. Referring to the military as an organization of baby-killers isn’t an insult so much as a statement of fact.  They could also be called murderers, woman-killers and man-killers, and they could also also be called very brave motherfuckers. This is, after all, a job that tends to involve being shot at, by definition.

The military could be called a lot of things, but none of them are remotely true, because “The Military” is an abstraction, convenient language shorthand that makes a monolith out of what’s actually a sprawling organization of millions and millions of people that operates all around the world.  There are brave young men that drive around wondering if they’re about to be blown up all day, and there are cheap cowards who level entire city blocks by entering a sequence of numbers into a computer.  There are sick fucking monsters who kill civilians because it’s funny to them, and there are noble kids who try to stop bleeding and repair limbs and save lives and not go insane in the process.  The military is all human, and that’s the only thing that can finally be said about it.

And humans?  Humans are liars and humans are shit, by and large—if we’re going off raw numbers, it can be hard to get very entusiastic about humans as a species.  But there’s no real sense in getting stressed these days—the cops are all stupid and the sex is great. So here’s a beer for Matt Sanchez, and here’s a beer for Anne Coulter as well.  We’re all horrible people, and our worst victims are ultimately ourselves.  Some of us keep shooting, some of us keep drinking, and the rest of the world gets to keep pulling dead babies out of the rubble. 

CHEERS!!!

5 comments

Filed in: Zeitgeist

Posted Mar 09, 2007 9 comments

It’s a problem we all face—self-stimulation.  Moral weakness. Some people have gotten the Hump Jones Dot Com all twisted: sure, we provide links to pornography, but we don’t expect you to use it.  It’s for educational purposes, dude, I’m not trying to incite you to defile your temple or something.

So it’s come to my attention that some of our readers are having difficulty with tugging the boat.  Believe it or not, I once had the same problem.  Truly.  But I have long since triumphed over milking my manhood—and you can, too.  Here’s how.

Ask a Psychotic Fake Doctor

The external temperature of the human body is 98°F, but the internal is 100°F and this increases with masturbation. When the adolescent finishes masturbating, a peristaltic movement of absorption takes place and by effect of the emptiness, the seminal vesicle tries to fill and humid air is absorbed through the penis which is later absorbed from the seminal vesicle to the lymphatic system, arriving at the brain producing a thermal shock and cold spaces between the cerebral neurons and cells and this affects cerebral, physical and nervous normality. Seminal vesicle could absorb sperms instead of air, but this is not possible because sperms have already been expelled; besides, it is easier to suck air than liquid.

Yeah....I bet you didn’t know that.  That nugget was courtesy of V.M. Samael, who can also teach you Astral Travel once you can overcome your spiritual defects.  You can go and drink from his fountain simply by clicking here.

Masturbation is, of course, completely un-natural.  There are some fringe groups—such as “Biologists”—who insist this is not the case, and even claim to have documentation of animals engaging in genital play.  Then again, these “Biologists” also claim that the Earth is over four billion years old, and that humans evolved from monkeys.  I think we can all make our own conclusions, here.

The Taoists knew that the human biological clocks is built around a discrete amount of moni shotzu, which was a japanese term for ejaculation.  Ancient yogis could actually release inside a woman and then, through delicate muscle control, retract the sperm back into their testicles.  Although this has never been reproduced in a laboratory setting, I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.  (You can read more here.)

Another source of guidance and support is the Church of Latter Day Saints, who have provided a truly timeless pamphlet entitled ”Steps in Overcoming Masturbation”—which I cannot recommend enough.  Some key passages:

In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called _aversion therapy_.  When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable.  If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act.  For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act.

In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken.  This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.

Believe it or not, Christians have also considered the problem of masturbation, and you can turn to them for assistance as well.  Check out Holy Spirit Interacative, where they provide a solid Biblical perspective mixed with cool, hip, edgy and dope youth slang.  For a more classical approach, read up on Dr. John Harvey Kellogg, inventor of Corn Flakes, and his brave crusade against autoeroticism.

To stop these hideous acts of depravity, Kellogg strongly advocated circumcision of young boys (note that, up until this era, most non-Jewish American boys were not circumcised), stating that the operation should be done without anesthesia because the remembered pain (and the soreness which followed for several weeks) would serve as a lasting reminder deterring the child from rummaging.

Another deterrent recommended by Kellogg was to wire a boy’s foreskin together at the tip such that any mere erection would become very painful. The wire was of course to be attached by piercing the foreskin with a needle, with the wire following along in place of thread. For the multitude of American males who do not (thanks to Kellogg and his ilk) have a foreskin, it may be worth mentioning that the foreskin is considered to be much more sensitive to pain and pleasure than the bald penis you may currently own.

He also advocated the application of carbolic acid to burn off the clitoris of young girls—advice that has been tragically ignored.  Dr. Kellogg was a visionary, a man ahead of his time, but perhaps someday the world will come to understand the magnitude of his genius.

In the meantime, stop fucking touching yourself.

9 comments

Filed in: The War on Sex