Humpjones

Posted Sep 17, 2007 4 comments

Humpasaur Jones: How long have we been doing hip hop, and why did we make the mistake of doing this to begin with?

DJ Squid: I got my first pair of turntables back in the summer 1996, at the end of my freshman year of high school, after slaving away for months at the Little Caesar’s at the corner of Indian Boundary Road and Route 49.  I was pretty upset about leaving my social circle in Mishakawa behind, and I was a really shy kid, so I wanted to indulge in a hobby that would promote social interactions and maybe get me some attention from the fine young ladies at Chesterton High.  I spent most of that summer just fucking around with the decks and a really shitty Tascam sampler/sequencer.  When I got back to school in September, I linked up with these kids Eric, Owen and John who did a bunch of freestyle stuff and said they were looking for some Wu-style beats, and that’s the group that eventually became the Lake County Criminalz.

So technically, I’ve been “doing” hiphop for about nine years.  We’ve been doing hiphop together for about three of those years now.  As for you, there’re varying reports about how long you’ve been in the game; someone was just telling me that you’re the unofficial grandfather of rap, and that your first album came out back in 1971 before the genre even existed.

I have no reason not to believe that.

HJ: Which one of us gets laid the most, scientifically speaking?

DJ Squid: I’ve never actually stopped to take count.  We should each carry around one of those little clicky-tabulator things that bouncers use for the entirety of 2008 and get some raw data for that one.  If I had to estimate I’d say that you probably got laid more in 2007, but that’s really only because of that time I got hit by that cab and spent the night in the hospital while you tagged every piece of ass at the Anime Central convention in Chicago.  And to think that you were complaining about wearing that Pikachu costume.

HJ: Is it true that you make your beats using 8-tracks or is that some unconditional bullshit?

DJ Squid: Well, some people would have you believe that I make beats using SOLELY 8-tracks, and that would be unconditional bullshit.  But I do, indeed, sample 8-tracks on a fairly regular basis, which isn’t something that can be said about many other producers.  I’m attracted to that sound for the same reason most people are turned off by it: it’s gritty, washed out, unpredictable and of notoriously low quality.  Plus, there’s something profoundly deep about not having a rewind function—if you bought an album on 8-track back in the day, it better be one you liked enough to listen to the whole way through just so you could get back to that #1 radio hit.

The first album I ever bought was Meatloaf’s “Bat Out of Hell.” I spent $3.75 of hard-earned allowance on the 8-track and a shitty old player to put it in, and the rest is history.  Since getting into the DJ thing I’ve gone out of my way to buy mint-condition players, recorders, player/recorders and, of course, more blank 8-tracks than you can shake a stick at.  I actually have a bunch of tracks lined up for a series of EPs called “Str8-2-8,” which will be a special edition line released solely on 8-track for the collectors.

HJ: Has growing up in Gary, Indiana made you into a more insane person?

DJ Squid: The answer to that question is invariably YES.  A lot of people, especially the imaginary ones I meet on the internet, seem to have trouble believing I’m even from such a ridiculous place.  And in all honesty, if I was them and I told me that I was from Gary(you still with me?) I would be disinclined to believe myself.  Until just a year or so ago, it was the nation’s most dangerous city for a long time running.  Granted, I grew up around Miller Beach, which is a pretty nice area, but the projects at Ivanhoe weren’t too far away and in high school I was the delegate who had to go down there and score us grass.  You can imagine, a lot of the time I was a walking target—being a skinny white hipster nerd with thick glasses is the same as wearing a shirt that says “MUG ME!” in that kind of neighborhood.  Thankfully, there’s been a slight surge in the economy over the past couple of years, and our Mayor Rudolph Clay has been spearheading a lot of initiatives to bring Gary back up to speed.

HJ: Would you describe yourself as a surrealist?

DJ Squid: I suppose we should start with the dictionary definition of “surrealism"…

HJ: I’m not going to print that.

DJ Squid: Ultimately, if I’m reading this correctly, surrealism is just an excuse to be as obtuse as you like without having to answer for how inane or stupid your work is.  So in that case, yes.  Yes, for fuck’s sake, I’m a surrealist.  I’ll use any excuse to break the bonds of reason and moral preoccupation.  Including the death of a family member.

HJ: What’s your best sex story ever, in less than six sentences?

DJ Squid: You remember that time we were at that party in Aspen, and we ran into Larisa Oleynik by the hot tub?  I was all up in Alex Mack’s Secret World that night.  Need I say more?

HJ: If that case ever makes it to court, you probably will.  Anyways. Is your obsession with asian culture purely sexual, or is there something more?

DJ Squid: I’d say it’s about three parts of the former and one of the latter, mixed in a large bowl with a stick of butter, a tablespoon of sugar and just a dash of cardamom.  A lot of people attribute my Squid moniker to the phenomenon known as “tentacle porn,” and while I did star as an extra in the live-action stage revue of Urotsukidoji, it was more for the story to tell—it’s never really been my bag.  But I will say, that’s a hell of a story.

But seriously.  To clarify, it’s not so much Asian culture in general that I’m obsessed with as it is Japanese culture.  I can’t help my fascination.  When I was a kid I was big into ninjas and samurai, which in turn lead into a healthy giant robot obsession.  Nowadays I kind of view the entire country through that post-Hiroshima lens: their whole culture is one that was built on violence and sexuality, both of which are now heavily repressed, and on top of that they live with the stigma of being the only nation ever attacked with nuclear weapons, while still under the yolk of Westernization.  Everything they do there in terms of self-expression really clearly reflects and documents the effects of these strange origins.  I’m really nothing short of mystified by it.

HJ: Okay, let’s do a sex question. Would you eat calmari if I bought you some and got you stoned in the bathroom before you ate it?

DJ Squid: It’s actually been postulated that Giant Squid cannibalize their own kind, though it’s never been proven.  I’d say chances are high though; you know better than anyone that I’ll eat anything when I’m stoned.  You learned that the weekend you dared me to scarf that silverfish.  I still have nightmares about that sensation to this day.

DJ: What’s the best movie you’ve ever seen and why should I give a shit?

DJ Squid: “Dunston Checks In,” hands down, no competition.  You should give a shit because Rupert Everett plays a jewel thief with a trained orangutan that gets involved in all kinds of shenanigans with a hotel magnate’s bored prepubescent son.  In the end it boils down to a final, heartwrenching confrontation where Dunston must choose between the thief that raised him and the boy who has shown him the positive possibilities of life.  I give it two tentacles up.  5 stars.

HJ: Do you make more money off smuggling import vinyl, selling mushrooms, or hustling beats?

DJ Squid: Frankly, the illicit trade of import vinyl is dying out at an alarming rate.  I used to make $15,000 a year off of Isaan Ragi records and limited-run Japanese Patti LaBelle picture discs alone, but after the joint INTERPOL/CIA crackdown in Copenhagen back in 2003 a lot of the major players have decided to leave the stage and invest elsewhere.  Now I’d be lucky to make $6,000 off of that same deal.  When you take into consideration the fact that you’ll have to spend at least half that on bribes to even get the shipment into the country, it just doesn’t seem worth it.  The only reason I continue is because it’s something I’m passionate about, and more importantly it’s something I’m good at.

Since the only person I really hustle beats to aside from Aaron Carter is your broke ass, I’d say it’s safe to assume most of my yearly income could be attributed to the sale of mushrooms.  By the way, I got that quap you wanted, you can come through and scoop it tomorrow if you want.

4 comments

Filed in: The Music

Posted Sep 16, 2007 9 comments

God bless the Pope.  I mean the dude currently holding that position: Herr Ratzinger. He is truly a man of his times—the previous pontiff was a dinosaur leftover who caught on too late, the Eisenhower of Popes.  In 2007, though, the Vatican has very much caught up with reality. Now we have a Pope without shame, who is evil in public and still adored by thronging millions around the world. 

I don’t even want to get into it—the stolen gold, the Hitler stuff, the Inquisition, the relentless warfare, the Mafia connection, whatever.  You got The Internets, you can look it up. I’m just thinking sideways about the curious Catholic schizophrenia towards sex.  I honestly can’t figure it out, but maybe it’s because I don’t want to—I can’t let myself accept that humans can be programmed, controlled, duped so easily.  Then I think: wow, I’ve got a lot of people reading my bullshit...maybe it is possible, after all.”

Fucking Liberals

Sure, we could be feeding the world and providing free energy with algae, but Ratzinger has more important issues on his mind: breeding quotas. He chastized the European Union for being “child poor”—no, really, he did.

“Europe has become child-poor. We want everything for ourselves and place little trust in the future. The earth will be deprived of a future only when the forces of the human heart and of reason illuminated by the heart are extinguished. Where God is, there is the future.”

Herr Ratzinger only looks like the Antichrist—he’s just a figurehead for the storefront, a paid monkey with the finest robes in the zoo.  And to be honest, the whole operation has been suffering for awhile now...they ruled the world and it seriously fried them, like a bad acid trip, serious sunstroke and a blown lightbulb.  They find jokes threatening and treat real threats like jokes—bear witness:

“...enlighten the people about Harry Potter, because there are subtle seductions, that act unconsciously, deeply distorting Christianity in the soul, before it can properly grow.”

“This is the dawning of the Age of Bavaria.” Or another classic threat to their continued existence:

“The various forms of the dissolution of matrimony today, like free unions, trial marriages...by people of the same sex, are rather expressions of an anarchic freedom that wrongly passes for true freedom of man.”

Liberals, Fucking

I’m all about the aikido.  I contest with nothing, and thus I cannot be defeated.  I focus on growing seeds into raging organisms—if those raging organisms happen to overthrow every government in the world and declare a mandatory anarchist utopia, then shucks.  That was interesting.

There comes a point when it is nescessary to fight back, though—such as when your opponent has you pinned to the ground while they repeatedly punch you.  Another example would be when your opponent has way, way more kids than you do.  Now, let me be clear. It’s true that as the standard of living increases, primate birth rates decrease, from orangutan to homo sapiens. It’s also true that as child mortality rates go up, birth rates go back up, too—keep that in mind when you consider the genetics of the Iraq War:

What is often missing from America’s increasingly recriminatory debate over Iraq is how isolated are the communities that bear most of the human cost. The Pentagon does not disclose the socio-economic background of the 25,000 US soldiers who have been killed or wounded in Iraq.

But a breakdown of their ethnicity and states of origins shows they are overwhelmingly white and from small towns in the interior states of mid-America and the South.

Silent Weapons for Quiet Wars put it very bluntly: human animal husbandry. To get a field to grow, burn it.  To increase population base, start a war and keep a front line going for years after the war is over.  I’m not saying it’s deliberate, but I’m not assuming it’s accidental, either.  This is the Ratzinger Option: when you face defeat, step up the breeding. Catholics aren’t interested in conversions so much as they’re after born faithful, children who have been raised with Catholic blueprints to lead Catholic lives. 

War of the Magicians

“If Buddhism is attractive, it’s only because it suggests that by belonging to it you can touch the infinite, and you can have joy without concrete religious obligations. It’s spiritually self-indulgent eroticism.

In the 1950s someone said that the undoing of the Catholic church in the 20th century wouldn’t come from Marxism but from Buddhism. They were right.”

Me, I’m just on the frontlines for Eris these days.  Ratzinger was the Enforcer, and Buddhism has been a threat to the Western World from the beginning.  Early translations of Tibetian holy texts were so bad that Adolf Hitler seriously believed the Buddha was a white warrior king.  If you can’t laugh at that, you’re probably not Buddhist.  It’s still funny, though, just like pretty much everything humans do.  Life is a gigantic wheel, we sow our Karma and we reap our Karma, and ten billion enlightened beings float outside the mandala, laughing for eternity at the beauty of it all.

The rest of us wake up with hangovers, have our souls crushed and our hearts broken, get hit by cars, and occasionally get a good price on a great bag of weed.  The irony, synchronicity and beauty of Sunday, September 16th is this: I started out writing a tirade against the Catholic faith, but here I am, bathed in white light, freshly shaved, and dressed in a damn nice outfit. To top it off, I’m seeking union with Godhead, raw communion with the Logos, and Holy Emptiness...as Saint William S once remarked: “Exterminate All Rational Thought.”

I don’t want to hold grudges and cast judgement but god damn, there I go again.  I called a man I don’t even know all sorts of horrible names and made fun of him because he looks like a pervert zombie from Las Vegas.  Actually, I guess I hadn’t mentioned that yet, but there it is. I’m open to ideas on how to jolt this cancer out of the human species, especially suggestions from my fellow power weirdos, you know who you are.  MOON WOOKIES. URBAN YETIS.  TALK TO A MAMMAL.  LET’S BUILD HERE.

January 1997: Sri Lankan theologian Fr. Tissa Balasuriya is excommunicated after being accused of theological aberrations, including assertions that Christianity is on the same level as other religions.

9 comments

Filed in: The War on Sex

Posted Sep 14, 2007 5 comments

The Question

This is probably far too conventional of a question, but here goes. My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost a year now, and I love her. But she has low self-esteem, always taking it out on me by being too clingy. She gets mad at me when I want to hang out with my friends rather than spend time with her. She’s my first serious girlfriend, and sometimes I feel like I might be missing out on something else, like maybe our relationship isn’t that great, it just happens to be all I know.

I just met a very attractive Japanese study abroad student, who is obviously interested and who has given me her number. Should I pursue that at all? I would never want to hurt my girlfriend, but I’m curious about what I might be missing out on.

The Answer

This is a good opportunity to come clean: I am living, breathing, walking, talking proof that open relationships work.  I’ve been with the same female for over five years now and we’re both free to boink whoever.  We even talk about it.  For some reason, that strikes a lot of people as insane, but I’m used to the fear and awe of Normals anyways.  Adultery happens.  You can either be honest about that, or you can lie to someone you claim to love.  Cheers to monogamy, right?

Precisely because of this personal experience, I say go for it, my friend, absolutely go for it. I would not wish a normal relationship on anyone—anyone reading this, ever.  If you’re bored it’s because you’re with the wrong person.  Continue to explore.  You say you’re curious about “what you’re missing out on,” so let me put it plainly: you’re missing out on every other woman alive on planet Earth right now. If that sounds interesting, I submit that it’s time for a change in your life.

I also have equally brutal news for Earth humans: you don’t get over self-esteem by having people help you out.  You get over it by hitting rock bottom and getting over yourself. Yeah, that does suck—but I haven’t talked to anyone who got over anxiety easy.  You’re either born naturally wild and free, and bless every one of you who that applies to, or you have to roll up your sleeves, lock yourself in the bathroom for a week, and drive out the demons. Our culture is a language virus, and it must be killed, not healed.  You heal after It is dead.

But I talk a lot of shit, but let me be level with the youth of today, for at least a paragraph here.  I’m not going to pretend that I was born this inherently hip and relaxed—having an open relationship took getting used to.  I hear anal sex is the same way. It was also worth it, because once I confronted the source of my jealousy, it was petty monkey bullshit.  I do not possess any human being on Earth, and I’m only 60-70% in control of my own flesh and blood to begin with. 

HORNY ADOLESCENTS OF EARTH: you have the opportunity to grow up long before your parents.  Always use a condom.  Communicate honestly.  Give people room to wig out.  It’s not always your job to make it better.  Look for people who are attractive instead of just hot.  Be willing to meet new humans.  That sort of thing.

5 comments

Filed in: Dear Humpasaur

Posted Sep 11, 2007 4 comments

Have you ever walked up to someone and realized they were attaching steel cables to their dick?  Me, too—and as we’ve both learned, that’s always an awkward moment. One of the strangest side effects of Chinese culture being imported into the US is the new “Iron Crotch” fad, being embraced by white kids who are jaded by Jackass, bored with Fight Club and looking for something even more intense.  There are a lot of weird Emergency Room visits in America’s future, and the reason for that is Tu Jin-Sheng, one of the undisputed masters of Qigong.

As Kung Fu magazine puts it: “When a man can tow a truck with his genitals, that’s all anyone ever really remembers about him.” Of course, that was written before Jin-Sheng added airplanes to his resume.  This man is a badass in the Bruce Lee tradition, having mastered enough English to deliver action-movie one-liners at will:

When asked if he was in any pain, he laughed.

“If its painful,” he said, “then you will see it bleed.”

TAMAKERI APOCALYPSE

We’ve discussed Tamakeri before—the uniquely japanese “Porno” that involves men being repeatedly and brutally kicked in the nuts.  For most men, that’s punishment—for a few odd ducks, that’s paradise.  For Tu Jin-Sheng, that’s just getting warmed up. First of all, let’s get the photo out of the way:

Now, I could write a five-part series just off the expression his assistant’s face as he drives his shins into his Master’s nether reigons, but that would be rambling, and I never ramble. More importantly, there’s actual science behind this.  Anyone with a penis is probably wondering how exactly Jin-Sheng is still intact, and like all true Masters, he’s perfectly happy to share his secrets:

In Qigong, there are three important power fields known as san cai. The first is the universe – sun, air and light. The second is earth – animals, nature and minerals. The third is within your body. You must combine these three to truly cultivate your energy.

...when you practice qigong, you must have the right time and the right place. Go to a good place, a natural place or a spiritual place. I practice in the mountains or by the ocean every day. Also practice at the right time when you have good yin and yang energy.

When a master reaches the highest level, he can pull it up. That’s how my son can kick me in the crotch at an exhibition, because it’s not there.”

Let me be perfectly clear—this man is a genuine scientist with a lot to teach you. This is not pointing fingers at the funny Asian man with remarkable Wang, this is not Laugh At Other Cultures Day.  Qigong is an advanced system of self-healing that’s actually much more effective and powerful than anything you’ll find in a US hospital.  For instance, here’s Jin-Sheng’s explanation of the theory behind his power:

For human beings, the reproductive system is the most important source. That’s where your energies originate. Within the human brain, your hormone producing glands are active until you reach puberty. After puberty, that decreases and a most of your hormones are produced by your reproductive organs. You reach a sexual peak in your thirties, after which your reproductive organs start to shrink and you get weaker.

This is why once you reach puberty, it is more difficult to correct bad habits and learn things like a new language. If you have an accent at this age, you will probably never lose it. This is due to the decrease in your brain’s hormonal production causing a decline in your mental capacity to process new information.

Chinese qigong masters realized this. What they sought to achieve was a method of prolonging the peak of your reproductive period. At the same time, they wanted to keep your mind sharp so you could continue to learn new things and cultivate wisdom.

I invite any condescending, “rational” coward skeptics to point out the mythology, symbolism, or superstition in the above quote. 

FULL SPECTRUM EQUALITY

I know what you’re thinking...“Why all this patriarchy bullshit?  What, no Iron Labia?” Calm down. As it turns out, Tu Jin-Sheng has something for the ladies, too:

“There is a different method for women.

Women can also hang a hundred pounds from their private parts. An egg-shaped piece of jade with a dangling cord is inserted inside them. Not many practice this. I only teach it to couples, not to single women.

Actually, there was a lot of opposition in Taiwan for me to teach these skills at all. It was viewed as a skill for prostitutes. Now, thanks to the more open minds of modern science and medicine, people don’t look at me like a criminal for teaching these skills. They know now that the very origin of life is from there.”

Why isn’t this man in California teaching exclusive classes for Belladonna, Madonna, and Wilmer Valderrama?  I don’t know, either.

Anyways, if you want more, check out The International Journal of Sexual Kung Fu, which also features material by none other than Hump Jones favorite, Dr. Newman Lin! The dude is the single greatest mad scientist Taoist Sex expert on Earth, and that’s really saying something.  Also check out his official site here.

4 comments

Filed in: Sex Science

Posted Sep 10, 2007 4 comments

The Question

I live with my ex-boyfriend in _____ for a year now after we’ve broken up. I need him to leave. My name is on the lease. He says he has the right to live here and won’t leave. On top of that, he’s turned into a full on junkie and spiraled out of control and is also bringing random people to my apartment. I’m worried for him but I can’t deal and I just want him out. I am also paranoid that someone is secretly doing a reality docudrama about him and other junkies and that my apartment has been bugged with cameras...or something else really shady is going on. Whats my question… um what the holy heck do I do to get this situation less insane for me without making huge drama involving law enforcement?

The Answer

Odds are pretty strong that law enforcement will get involved, but I would recommend enlisting older brothers, or large male friends, or drunk uncles with guns, in order to eject him from the house.  It’s completely illegal for me to recommend that, and probably irresponsible, too.  If you’ve made it clear you want him out, he has to leave.  It’s common courtesy on his part to respect that, and if he’s not respecting you, that calls for re-education.  He needs to go do heroin somewhere else.

As long as I’m testing the legal limits of blunt honesty, you could also enlist him in rehabilitation programs against his will.  There’s a number of them in your area, and if you want links to them, you can send me an email—no need to reply here.  You could also call the Addiction Interventions Hotline, which is 800-561-8158.

The reason I think that the police might wind up involved is this: after you eject him from the house, no matter how generous of a parachute you give him, he will probably attempt to get back in at some point.  Even if you don’t call the police, there’s a chance the neighbors will.

Two years ago, I would have assumed you were paranoid for suspecting hidden cameras in your own apartment, but I was just young and naive.  If you want to locate hidden cameras, there are devices and techniques that enable you to do that.  That link is to a good article by Marc Roessler that will give you all the information you need to get up to speed.

There are also handheld devices, and I asked a buddy of mine who’s a self-taught expert in the security field.  If you got $400 by any chance, here’s your best bet. More realistically, there’s the more concealable “Spy Finder” which is a little over $100.

Good luck, and let me know how it turns out.

4 comments

Filed in: Dear Humpasaur