Humpjones

Posted May 16, 2008 13 comments

Is your dick big enough? Do women you sleep with tend to wake up in the emergency room? Do you lose consciousness every time you have an erection? Can you club a baby seal to death with your flaccid penis?  These are questions that humanity faces, here in this brave new millennium.  This is what you need to know.

On page 22 of the March 2007 issue of Maxim, there’s a remarkable little blurb I’d like to share with you beautiful people.  Ahem:

Q: Do “male enhancement” products actually do anything?

A: When we asked Dr. Steven Lamm [from NYU’s school of medicine] he didn’t beat around the bush: “That’s a flat no.” While he acknowledged that implants can affect width, when it comes to length you’re simply out of luck: “It is just really hard to make the penis longer, OK?” He suggested instead dropping some pounds: “For every 30 pounds of weight loss there is an increase in the appearance of your penis of around one inch.” Or just buy the red sports car already.

Considering at least 5-10% of the Maxim advertising income is from those same “male enhancement” products, my hat is off the editorial staff for demonstrating the presence of actual testicles.

BUT YET—the industry marches on.  How? Why? Don’t these products offer you total satisfaction or your money back?  Of course they, do, human—that’s just sociology at work. See, most sociology experiements are funded by advertising companies, and they publish it publicly because they know most of you can technically read, but are much too lazy to actually learn.

Let’s take a look at the invisible hand of conformity for a second—after all, in a country where nearly 80% of men over 18 state they worry about the size of their penis, you know there’s something horribly wrong.  Logically, you’d expect around 49% of them to be worried, right?  Right?

Over at the Brainsturbator library, we’ve got a book you should probably read if this question seriously interests you—yeah, I know, here goes nothing:

Edwin Bernays—“Propaganda”

It goes a little something like this: if I tell people that my product has been around for years, and that we guarantee customer satisfaction and offer a full refund, and that we’ve had less than 1% of those customers ever ask for the refund—it’s already too late for rational thought.  I just completely defined the context and parameters of the Male Enhancement Universe, and all further calculations you make will be within the cage I just built for you.

Because what happens if it doesn’t work? What’s wrong with you? Why are you in that less than 1% of total failures with such defective cocks that not even my amazing product can save you?

Advertising is a great business to be in—you get to install industrial-grade insecurities in children and then exploit them for the rest of your customer’s meaningless lives.  Nevermind the transparently obvious fact that women are just desperate for affection and security—guys still believe that their girlfriend of 2 years is about to walk out on them because she’s not bleeding every time they have sex.

As a side note, please observe the location of the man’s left hand in that photograph.  Effective ads are all about subtlety.

But you’re smarter than all this—you know damn well your penis is not only big enough, it’s too much for this Universe to handle.  You are Pan Incarnate, you are a lion on the African plain and your bellowing orgasm-roars are heard from Johannesburg to Cairo. You are Zeus giving Europa more than she bargained for, you are Jehovah deflowering the Virgin Mary because you felt like it.  Meditate on that and spend your money on more important things, like beer.

Go get ‘em. 

13 comments

Filed in: Sex Science

Posted May 13, 2008 426 comments

Personally, I can think of nothing as throbbingly sexy as hundreds of people in a big room, all having intercourse in sync and following instructions that are shouted at them by some guy with a bullhorn.  Yes sir, that is entertainment, that is smoking gun proof that Japan remains the same inherently surperior culture they always have been.  In the United States --- Texas, specifically --- they have gang-bangs, hideous staged rituals where a single female athelete (known affectionately as “porn stars") will copulate with hundreds of men.  In most cases, these men have literally come in off the street.  They shuffle around with their pants around their ankles and numbers stapled to their Nascar T-shirts.  There is nothing as empty as a gang-bang, but yet a mass banging is somehow not only palatable, it is truly delicious.

This is pornography that was staged, recorded and paid for by the Rev. Sum Myung Moon himself.  Although I just made that accusation up, if it were true it would be one of the more sane things he has done in his lifetime.  Perhaps pornography is offensive to the sensitive reader, and all this windowgazing is distasteful for the ethically minded, but there is nothing as obscene as the fact Moon had himself coronated as King of the World --- not only that, he did so in Washington, DC and it was attended by hundreds of congressmen and federal officials.  Moon has a very cozy relationship with the Bush family, owns the Washington Times, and is among the richest men on the planet.  He also stages mass weddings in giant Asian sports stadiums, which is why I suspect he’s jacking off to this exact movie, right now, somewhere in Budapest.

Fun fact: everyone naked in this movie was paid about $10 american.  If you want to understand how to manipulate any given mass population, there are really only two places to start.  The first is looking at the past century of local history, the second is to get about 20 copies of different local pornography magazines.  (German and Japanese porn are both particulary abundant lines of study.  As to why this is, we’re not supposed to talk about that on this site.)

Could you have sex in a room with over 500 other people, plus a camera running? Can you piss when you know people are watching you?  A note to reader: looking too closely at sex, or death, lead you to the same uncomfortable grey zone.  Talking about what you see there will get you labeled a pervert, a criminal, and a Very Bad Person.  This is just paranoia and superstition, though, because all the good stuff is contained in that grey zone and you will learn more about yourself and your fellow humans by staring intently at that spot than you could learn anywhere else.  We are created and we will shall be destroyed, and in the meantime, hot damn the sex is sure fun!

What happens to monkeys who are given orgasm buttons?  The “switch” for an electronic implant embedded within their brain, which can trigger an orgasm response every time the circuit is tripped?  In a related question, why is it that statistically, any amount of TV watching you do will increase weekly, always tending towards the national average of 6.3 hours per day? When you smoke a bowl or a cigarette, when you have a coffee or a beer, do you want another one?  Maybe this is stretching, but: is there any way to be “sane” or “mentally healthy” in a culture where sex is taboo and death is entertainment?

But fuck philosophy, right? The real issue here is, who are these people?  Who is that dude with the camera?  Who was walking around with a clipboard taking notes while this movie was being shot?  Humans adapt to anything eventually.  Millions of people work in slaughterhouses, walking through ankle-thick pools of blood and fat on their way to the lunch room for break.  Watching people have acrobatic sex for hours on end is “going to work” for some of us.  (More amazingly still, many humans are even lawyers.)

There are no easy answers, but there is a world full of pornographic options for you to pursue while you rationalize all this away.  When you’re settling back into the emptiness of life, the endorphins released by orgasm make the transition much easier.  Although there is no universal panacea, no perfect remedy, and no dubbed version of this movie yet, I still give three thumbs up for “500 Sex”.  Look for it.

426 comments

Filed in:

Posted Apr 14, 2008 155 comments

Welcome to post-reality!  Hope everyone has been enjoying 2008. This dude certainly has been:

Patrinostro was arrested Sunday evening on southbound Highway 101 near the Lincoln Avenue offramp after his car bumped into three other vehicles in 55-mph traffic, said Officer Mary Ziegenbein of the California Highway Patrol.

Patrinostro “told the officer that the vehicle could fly if he went fast enough, and basically just started bouncing off of cars,” Ziegenbein said.

“He was under the influence of cocaine, Valium and marijuana and stated that it was a top secret experiment with his doctor for Area 51 and the government,” she added. “He also stated that he was working for a cure for AIDS by taking the drugs.”

That could be the single greatest legitimate excuse for being fucked up ever devised on cocaine, valium and marijuana.  Definitely better than all my attempts.

I’m going to be giving a talk and then doing a show at EsoZone 2008 in Portland, Oregon, October 8th-10th.  Right now, tickets are $40 for the full weekend.  I’m just the token stoner, though: this event is gonna be full of f’ing amazing people and I’m psyched to be there.  I’ve already been working on my talk for about a month now, trying to explain the Universe to myself has been pretty interesting so far.

Amazing people: the charmingly omniscient Paul Laffoley, the beautifully Satanic Diabolus Rex and the singularly brave Anterio Alli. 

155 comments

Filed in: Zeitgeist

Posted Apr 04, 2008 11 comments

How do you do it? How do you ignore that socially-imposed anxiety? How do you push past the fear? Can you advise me in any way?

Well, boy howdy...good question.

When this first hit my inbox, I knew I was in trouble. 

Humpasaur Jones is mostly just a mask, but it’s also a mask that I carved by hand, and it happens to fit perfectly.  So there’s no sense trying to hide behind something that’s basically transparent, right? 

I’d like to believe that David Blaine can levitate, but I’ve got magician buddies who’ve demonstrated the trick in front of me.  I’d like to believe that making mad money off The Internets is a path to financial freedom and total happiness, but that’s basically on par with buying lottery tickets.

Most of all, I’d like to believe that simple willpower, self-discipline and raw balls is enough to make life work. 

It’s actually not, though.  So when that question first got posed to me, many months ago, I knew I was fucked because it was a reflection of the Exact Same Question I’d been posing to myself for over a year.  No answer then, no answer since.

I’m thinking about it, though.  The answer will involve sex and weird biology.  Many people will disagree with me and leave detailed comments explaining why.  In other words, business as usual is getting underway once again.  Buckle up.

11 comments

Filed in: Dear Humpasaur

Posted Mar 20, 2008 7 comments

“Gee whiz, Uncle Humpasaur, you’ve been gone a long time.”

True indeed. I’ve been working on the 100+ articles I already published here—reformatting and expanding the material into the upcoming book.  I’ve been working on new material, too, but I’m going to save it up for awhile.  I’m doing most of my writing over at the very un-sexy website Audible Hype, which is devoted to helping independent artists with their DIY music career.

In the meantime, I’d like to share the advance copy of my first album.  The final tracklist will be a little different—there’s a couple of gems I haven’t included in this collection.  There’s a couple of tracks on this advance which won’t be on the physical CD.  Keep it Moist will be coming out on World-Around Records and once we’ve got a release date, you will know about it. In the meantime, enjoy this offering and pass it along to anyone and everyone who might dig it.

“KEEP IT MOIST” in .RAR format

7 comments

Filed in: The Music