It’s true. I’ve been sleeping in the studio again. Back at the clinic, paper and pen is just about all they would let me have...unfortunately, that was already too much. I’ve got too much new material, too much to get off my mutant chest. I’ve also got the first track ready for you, Dear Readers: it’s called 2010 Anthembanger and it’s pretty much The New Sex.
It’s also a remix contest. You can download the accapella file (it’s recorded @ 99 BPM for y’all slowfaces) and do pretty much whatever you want with it. Once you’re satisfied, send the results to before August 29th, 2010.
I can’t pretend to understand my creative cycles, but I can tell you that being locked up made it really difficult to record. This week I’ve been moving too fast to think about projects or release dates or any of that horseshit. It’s just one song after another for now. The collaboration with Dr. Quandary, still titled Breakup Music, is on the way…
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Yes, there is new material on the way. After creating what is probably the single greatest sex rap album in the history of the human species, the sheer responsibility of my second release has been destroying my fucking life ever since.
Here’s a new wrinkle for 2010: downloading a copy of Keep it Moist involves giving me your email address. I promise I will never use it with mere commerce in mind. I am a pervert with very strange ideas, and that is what the email is for.
I have no half-assed fans. If you’re not sure I’m what you’re looking for, it’s already way too late for your stupid ass—no offense or anything. Just speaking my truth. Andy Warhol knows business, Richard Nixon knows politics, and Humpasaur Jones knows pretty much everything else.
The next album will be called Breakup Music. It will be darker than my last project, and obviously, also way funnier. All of the problems I used to write about have gotten exponentially worse, and we’re all probably going to die a violent death for no reason at all. This calls for a celebration. The soundtrack will be provided entirely by Dr. Quandary and the legendary NEK multi-instrumentalist genius Matt Scott.
If you want to hear a preview, we leaked a cut to Potholes in My Blog. Check it out there, it’s the title cut, the seed for the whole album.
MY ADVICE ON WHAT TO DO NEXT: Leave a comment asking me a question. Next time I post here, I will answer it. Nothing else you do today will matter, so put some thought into it. What’s on your mind grapes?
Right now, you’re probably thinking ”wait a second, I don’t think I even fucking CAN leave a comment on this...” and you’re completely correct about that. If you take your celebrity stalking seriously, you’ve already got my digits anyways. We’ll talk when the album is done.
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I often find myself at strange parties. This revelation usually comes to me mid-conversation, and there’s always that lurching, queasy moment of clarity before I can adjust. The last time that happened, I found myself discussing politics next to an open bar with some earnest young women who were volunteering for Barack Obama, which was already a mistake. Most folks I “talk politics” with have concluded I’m either the most idealistic hippie in Vermont, or an utterly amoral fascist elitist monster. Both interpretations are more or less valid, but explaining why is impossible unless you already get it.
Anyways, my point in bringing this up is that I found myself in an awkward position that’s becoming all too common these days: surrounded by nice Americans who really think Democracy is a good idea. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? “Well, our votes don’t actually count, our options are restricted to a relative handful of wealthy, powerful families, and we never get consulted on any national or foriegn policy decisions, but overall, is there anything better than Democracy?”FUCK YES, IT’S CALLED FREEDOM, and you haven’t even tasted it for generations now.
Democracy is One Big Gang Bang
That’s not a funny title, that’s a dead-serious assertion of fact. I can think of no metaphor that clarifies the issue so much: Democracy is like a gang bang. It is a staged spectacle, first of all. It’s also remarkable how much voting resembles a gang bang: you wait in line to deposit something that should be meaningful, but actually doesn’t count, at all.
More importantly, though, I’m struck by how many people don’t see the dark side of Majority Rule. That concept seems reasonable to most folks because they assume everyone else is as reasonable as them. This is the most dangerous assumption anyone can make. Majority Rule is putting your decisions into the hands of the least capable people among us: namely, the majority.
Hump Jones to America: none of you are qualified to make any decisions for yourselves, let alone tell me what drugs I can and cannot do. Your problem with public nudity is your problem, not mine. Your primitive superstitions about God and Jesus are adorable but hold no power over me. Your total ignorance about the world you live in does not qualify you to discuss reality with me or anyone else. Your glib acceptance of being treated like herd animals is proof that you’re either unwilling or unable to function independently. Most of you can’t even read through a high school textbook without getting lost—not only should you not be making decisions about my life, you shouldn’t even be allowed to reproduce.
The Real Power is Always Offscreen
Robert Anton Wilson’s Key to Power: “Think about how stupid the average human is—and remember that by definition, half of them are even stupider then that!”
Here’s the real clincher. Academic theorists are the bullshit professionals—they will bloviate about anything you give them grant money to talk about. And sure enough, the gender issues and sociology of gang bang porno has been discussed by “critics” before—although the discussion of Goddess archetypes and fertility rituals rings pretty hollow. That’s because they’re only looking at the screen, though—in a gang bang, the real power is always offscreen, behind the camera.
Politicians are mentally ill—sick creatures with compulsive needs. All of the hollow rituals, vicious campaigns, empty promises....as William S. Burroughs observed “nobody in their right mind wants to deal with that bullshit.” Politicians are allowed to flourish because they provide a valuable layer of coverage for Someone Else. We’ve discussed this before—the real “Porn Kings” aren’t sleazy rich Russian Jew Communists, they’re major US corporations who are involved simply because it’s profitable.
The porno industry is mostly a very depressing and shitty place to be. There’s lucky stars and there’s standout companies, and all the best stuff is coming from dedicated amateurs making money online, but the actual industry of having sex on camera for money is low-pay, low-rent, low-quality. Anyone who glamorizes it is just being a moron, and I glamorize it all the time, so what more proof do you need?
And Most of All, IT’S A LIE
I’m unclear if anyone in human history has ever actually watched a gangbang from start to finish. It’s generally something that comes on for a few minutes until the room gets cleared out or the kleenex gets full. To finish up the metaphor, nobody in the porno business believes in gang bangs—only gullible fools believe in gang bangs. The Rotten Library has a truly great article on the subject, and I want to share this quote:
“The whole thing was a complete and utter sham. There were around 25 guys on the 1st day and about 14 on the second. If I had to guess I would say that legitimately I probably did about 500 guys (not different guys) I had stressed all along that I wanted to do it legitimately.”
That’s Sabrina Johnson, admitting she didn’t really Bang 2000 dudes in 24 hours. If you’re a white citizens of the United States of America, there’s a 1 in 63 chance that your vote will never even be counted. If you’re black, that number mysteriously leaps to 1 in 7. Those statistics are depressing, but they don’t matter, since the Electoral College system acts as a mathematically proven filter to keep the vote in the hands of the simple majority. Ask yourself seriously if that was an unintended consequence. You don’t want all the smart people in all 50 states getting together, so...
One should take into account the fuzzy arithmetic used to calculate these records. Gang bang statisticians generally ignore the actual number of participants and focus on “instances of sex”—a deliberately general term that specifies neither orifice nor instrument—though each act is just a minute or so in length. Thus “record” numbers are necessarily inflated by repeat participation: Chong gripes that out of everyone who showed up for her gang bang, “about 66% were not able to perform.”
Only hardcore political junkies, sick, twisted fuckers like Dr. Gonzo, actually follow politics in any meaningful way—it’s too obscure and too ugly. Voting is a ritual we don’t do too often because it’s so depressing—everyone is just going through the motions, only the young kids with Ron Paul T-Shirts are dumb enough to believe in “change” or “the voice of the people.”
It’s ugly but true—that fat guy in the “Budweiser” T-shirt, towards the back of the line? The one with the sweaty forehead and no pants on, with the number #822 stapled to his shirt, waiting for his chance at the porn star? That’s you, citizen. Learing about the candidates, making informed decisions, going out to stuff it in the ballot box. Making our Democracy great.
Thanks to the power of internet marketing, we’ve known for years that Hump Jones readers are most sexy, accomplished and talented people in the English-speaking world. We’ve been quietly proud of y’all, too.
Unfortunately, some “cool” and “hip” marketing firms have gotten ahold of some of our demographics—no theft involved, it’s all open-source tools and someone was going to find out eventually. Still, it’s been hilarious to have corporations approaching my sex rap joke persona about actual sponsorships.
Considering I put my heart and soul into other hip hop projects like Algorhythms, everything about Humpasaur Jones amuses me...like watching a group of trained squirrels re-enact scenes from the Bruce Lee classic Enter the Dragon.
Most rappers would sell women’s deodorant if you cut them a check. Believe it or not, though, I am not most rappers.
I have a much better understanding of “branding” than the drones with management degrees who think that cloning their influences is a business plan. That’s called biting, kids: you’re all poodles fighting over table scraps. Hope that works out for you.
If you’re making music that matters, you’re probably not interested in being sponsored by whores like Jermaine Dupri and their corporate overlords. This is not mere bitchery and complainifying, though: you can make it on your own in underground hip hop...I’m working on the road map over at Audible Hype. You can also find much less coherent material over at Pizza SEO, but it would be better if we both pretended that site doesn’t actually exist.
In the end, of course, there is no sane reason why I wrote this, and drugs were certainly involved. I just wanted to thank everyone for the love and support.
Actual News Updates
The version of “Keep it Moist” that we released for free is going to be taken down in about a week. Grab it while you can.
Yep, that means we’re actually going to press up and sell the EP, with a different tracklist...that art was just too fucking good. Peace to Yosef1 from Triple Dose Design. Hell yes I had to pay him, but any mammal with eyes would agree that the man is worth it.
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After an article on vomit porn—and a long hiatus to party like a dying god and exterminate rational thought—I think we should start over with a simple question: is anything obscene anymore? They’ve been making schiesse porn for decades now over in Germany. We haven’t covered the phenomenon of squid porn yet, but rest assured, seafood sexuality will be explored in due time.
Still: internet pornography is everywhere, and we’re about to witness the political awakening of a generation that grew up in a world where porno is normal. There are more adult bookstores per capita in the alleged “Bible Belt” than anywhere else in the United States. Major corporations are making good money off pornography, thanks to satellite TV and hotel pay-per-view. Porn stars are celebrities, if not royalty—all in all, the reader could be forgiven for thinking that America has become a sexually permissive culture.
Paul Cambria is one of the main attorneys for the largest pornographic production companies in the United States, and he was about 5 feet away from his client, Larry Flynt, when the Hustler publisher was shot by a sniper in front of a Georgia courthouse. That was in 1978, but it’s mighty interesting to remember why Flynt was shot—it wasn’t for split beaver shots, it wasn’t for offending Christians—it was over inter-racial porn. There are still millions of Americans, and not just in the deep South, who find nothing more offensive than a black man having sex with a white woman.
Paul Cambria is just a footnote to Flynt’s attempted assassination, but he’s at the center of a more recent controversy in the porn industry—it’s even named after him. After George W. Bush got elected in a blatantly corrupt fashion (the first one, not the 2nd one) the porn industry bigwigs had a meeting to discuss how to avoid another Meese-style crackdown. What they came up with is a list of truly naughty sex acts, a guideline of What Not To Do in order to avoid prosecution. It’s called the Cambria List.
And you know what, kids? Nearly 50 years after Brown vs. Board of Education, somehow, inter-racial sex was on that list. Even more telling was the specific wording: “No black man-white woman topics”—in other words, white men can fuck black women all day, every day, but if a black dude touches a white woman, you’re begging for a lawsuit. Also dangerous: any gay sex, any fisting, food used as a sex object, coffins, and girls sharing the same dildo. (That last one was probably inserted by a toy manufacturer, don’t you think?)
I should emphasize: the list was not a random selection of what some executives found to be personally icky, it was based on three decades of legal experience and exhaustive research into what had triggered obscenity charges in the past—so the list is really a look into the mind of the American legal system.
Highly Defective Primates
Thanks largely to the work of Ralph Reed and Pat Robertson—both architects of the Christian Coalition, the driving force of politically active right-wing Christianity in the USA—a great many of our elected officials are among the very stupidest people in the entire country. Seriously, if you believe that the earth was created by a god named Jehovah around 6,000 years ago, you shouldn’t even be operating motor vehicles, let alone making decisions that affect an entire nation.
And yet. Somehow, someway.
I’ve said it before and I’m saying it again here: we still live in the Dark Ages—don’t fucking kid yourself, human. Don’t get me wrong—the future gets better every single day. But it’s also a slow, iterative process, and there are powerful forces keeping people stupid...look no further than the miracle of public education. Although millions of kids who are just turning old enough to vote have grown up being barraged by silicon titties and double penetration, they’re still calling anyone they don’t like a “faggot”—and they still can’t read too good, you know?
Am I being pessimistic? Should I take heart, knowing that although millions of grown-ups want to make it illegal for a black man to have consensual sex with a white woman, their kids are going deaf listening to Young Jeezy and calling each other nigga? Is this progress? Should I be more enthusiastic?
This beer is for Robert Mapplethorpe
Now, that was a real damn Artist....Robert Mapplethorpe, yes sir. He pushed the envelope harder and farther than any mere pornographer ever did or could—and best of all, his work is beautiful. Here at Hump Jones, I don’t kid myself for second...this will only ever be bad writing about good sex.
And yet. Somehow, someway. I feel compelled to carry this man’s torch. Is anything obscene anymore? The jury is still out on that one, but rest assured: if it’s out there, we’re gonna find it, right here at Hump Jones Dot Com. Some delicate mix of psychosis, hubris and alcohol poisoning compels me to keep the search alive, to find those soft fleshy pressure points in the Global Brain and keep pushing until the twitching stops.
I think that’s a pretty reasonable goal for an artist to have.
I often find myself at strange parties. This revelation usually comes to me mid-conversation, and there’s always that lurching, queasy moment of clarity before I can adjust. The last time that happened, I found myself discussing politics next to an open bar with some earnest young women who were volunteering for Barack Obama, which was already a mistake. Most folks I “talk politics” with have concluded I’m either the most idealistic hippie in Vermont, or an utterly amoral fascist elitist monster. Both interpretations are more or less valid, but explaining why is impossible unless you already get it.
That’s not a funny title, that’s a dead-serious assertion of fact. I can think of no metaphor that clarifies the issue so much: Democracy is like a gang bang. It is a staged spectacle, first of all. It’s also remarkable how much voting resembles a gang bang: you wait in line to deposit something that should be meaningful, but actually doesn’t count, at all.
Here’s the real clincher. Academic theorists are the bullshit professionals—they will bloviate about anything you give them grant money to talk about. And sure enough, the gender issues and sociology of gang bang porno has been discussed by “critics” before—although the discussion of Goddess archetypes and fertility rituals rings pretty hollow. That’s because they’re only looking at the screen, though—in a gang bang, the real power is always offscreen, behind the camera.
That’s Sabrina Johnson, admitting she didn’t really Bang 2000 dudes in 24 hours. If you’re a white citizens of the United States of America, there’s a 1 in 63 chance that your vote will never even be counted. If you’re black, that number mysteriously leaps to 1 in 7. Those statistics are depressing, but they don’t matter, since the Electoral College system acts as a mathematically proven filter to keep the vote in the hands of the simple majority. Ask yourself seriously if that was an unintended consequence. You don’t want all the smart people in all 50 states getting together, so...
After an article on 
Paul Cambria is one of the main attorneys for the largest pornographic production companies in the United States, and he was about 5 feet away from his client, Larry Flynt, when the Hustler publisher was shot by a sniper in front of a Georgia courthouse. That was in 1978, but it’s mighty interesting to remember why Flynt was shot—it wasn’t for split beaver shots, it wasn’t for offending Christians—it was over inter-racial porn. There are still millions of Americans, and not just in the deep South, who find nothing more offensive than a black man having sex with a white woman.
And you know what, kids? Nearly 50 years after Brown vs. Board of Education, somehow, inter-racial sex was on that list. Even more telling was the specific wording: “No black man-white woman topics”—in other words, white men can fuck black women all day, every day, but if a black dude touches a white woman, you’re begging for a lawsuit. Also dangerous: any gay sex, any fisting, food used as a sex object, coffins, and girls sharing the same dildo. (That last one was probably inserted by a toy manufacturer, don’t you think?)
Thanks largely to the work of Ralph Reed and Pat Robertson—both architects of the Christian Coalition, the driving force of politically active right-wing Christianity in the USA—a great many of our elected officials are among the very stupidest people in the entire country. Seriously, if you believe that the earth was created by a god named Jehovah around 6,000 years ago, you shouldn’t even be operating motor vehicles, let alone making decisions that affect an entire nation.
