Humpjones

Posted Jul 09, 2007 22 comments

This is a Hump Jones article for kids.  Most of you reading this are starting to suspect that adults are lying to you.  I am sorry to tell you this, but you are right.  Adults are lying to you.  I am also going to tell you something you don’t suspect: it’s not your parents fault.  Your parents are lying to themselves and they honestly do most of what they do because they love you. 

The problem is, their parents lied to them, too, and now...they’ve changed.  This might not make sense, but your parents don’t actually think about most of the lies they believe in.  It’s a lot easier not to—nobody talks about certain things, like how our leaders tell us what to do and we don’t get to decide wether or not to do it.  Or how so many people think it’s okay to lie and kill.  I lie all the time, but I haven’t killed anyone and I probably won’t. 

Another problem is, your parents are pretty stupid, statistically speaking.  That means that most people who read this will agree that you are much, much smarter than your parents.  Your parents scoff when you tell them that, because they’ve been beaten down and justifying their own failures and surrenders for more than 10 years now, and you’re still refusing to do that. 

Fact is, anyone reading this under 18 is probably much, much smarter than their parents: you pay more attention to reality, you’re more willing to explore and take risks, you have more energy, and you’re also being driven to the edge of mental insanity by the hormones in your bloodstream, which boosts your creativity.

So this is for you, kids.  I know you probably hate being called “kids,” and considering most of you will get someone pregnant before you’re old enough to legally drink beer, maybe I should call you something else: how about Humanity’s Last Fucking Hope? I like that more, but feel free to make up your own official name.  This is what the future is going to hold for you in three simple steps. 

Or maybe I’m lying to you, too. 

Step One: New World Orgy

In the future, middle class white people will be turned into the worst possible kind of hippies.  Namely, priveleged overgrown children with no morals, minimal intelligence, and voracious appetites for sensory stimulation.  I use large words because I want to be specific and clear.  I’m sorry if I sound like I’m showing off.  If any sentences don’t make sense to you now, I want to make you a promise.

I promise that once your vocabulary is large enough to compute those sentences, you will be doing drugs just to keep from killing yourself or other people. 

Most of those drugs will be fed to you by the government.  Most of you are on Ritalin and those mandatory prescriptions will follow you for the rest of your lives.  If you’ve tried to stop taking Ritalin, you’ve probably noticed that it’s really hard.  That’s not an accident—the people who make you take Ritalin want you to continue taking ritalin until you are dead.  Your teachers, your doctors and the police all pretend they’re living in different worlds, but they all work for the same people.

We all work for the same people.

Here’s a recent story from the news.  It’s about this new drug, currently called PT-141.  By the time you’re taking it, they will call it something else.  PT-141 is a drug that makes people extremely aroused, which means they want to have sex desperately.  You might be familiar with the feeling. 

The full range of possible risks and side effects has yet to be determined, but already this much is known: Putting that inhaler up your nose and popping off a dose of PT-141 results, in most cases, in a stirring in the loins in as few as fifteen minutes. Women, according to one set of results, feel �genital warmth, tingling and throbbing,� not to mention �a strong desire to have sex.�

Step Two: This is Your Brain on Us

Your parents use drugs, too.  Most of you probably have a Dad or Mom who drinks too much, smokes too much, eats too much or takes too many pills.  Maybe you’re already doing all of the above?  I was when I was your age.  I won’t tell you that I’ve seen the light since then, and I won’t tell you that drugs ruined my life.  Drugs have actually treated me really well, overall.  My experience with drugs includes a PCP overdose that lasted for over 24 hours—probably the scariest thing I’ve ever been through in my life.

Even though that happened, I’ve had so many other positive and life-changing experiences thanks to drugs, that I still say I’ve benefited from doing drugs.  Illegal drugs, drugs like marijuana, mushrooms and LSD.  Semi-legal drugs, like the kind my friend Chris Dizzy will teach you about over at Liquid Wet Dot Net.  And legal drugs, like alcohol, beer and alcohol.

I do a lot less drugs now that I’m 50 years old.  But looking back, I see that the one drug that didn’t help me at all, and in fact really messed up my life for years, was alcohol.  (And also, beer.) I hope that some of you reading this will learn from my mistake.  Does that sound like a stupid sentence?  It should, because it is one: my mistakes are only my mistakes.  All of you will make different mistakes, and you’re all much too arrogant to listen to anything I say that you don’t already agree with.

I’m the same way, so I’m not blaming you for anything—just saying.

Here’s a story from the news about another drug, called propranolol.  It’s used to make people forget things, which used to be science fiction.  (If you like science fiction, you should check out a guy named Philip K. Dick, because he wrote really good stuff—and it’s also a good guide to the actual world we live in today.)

Researchers have found they can use drugs to wipe away single, specific memories while leaving other memories intact. By injecting an amnesia drug at the right time, when a subject was recalling a particular thought, neuro-scientists discovered they could disrupt the way the memory is stored and even make it disappear.

Step Three: Humans are Monsters

The country you live in is full of dangerous people who are mentally insane.  You have already met a lot of them, and many of you are children of someone who is dangerously crazy.  When people want you to agree with them, they will use statistics a lot.  This is a trick to make you think that what they’re saying is real—never fall for it.  In reality, nobody knows shit about shit, but we all want to think we do.  So we make it very easy for one another to think that.

Now here’s a statistic: the United States of America has the highest rates of venereal disease in children under 12 years old.  If you think about that for a second, it will probably make you sick to your stomach.  But it’s important to know—many of you have already found this out for yourselves. 

There are a lot of humans who have no problem with killing other humans—or doing lots of other cruel and violent stuff to other humans.  What makes those humans even more dangerous is when they get lots of power, and control over other humans.  When groups of them work together, this makes things even worse. 

And that’s basically the story of every nation in the world: we’re all being run by the most violent, ruthless and powerful people in our respective countries.  That’s all borders are: ask your history teacher. 

But it’s not just our leaders, most adults are very mean and cowardly people.  Sad but true.  When people want you to believe something, they will often bring up a recent example, as if a single incident proves anything other than “a single incident happened”.  Here’s a story from the news about some very mean and cowardly people in Kansas, where everyone believes God created the whole Universe and Jesus was our Lord and Savior:

SHOPPERS in a US convenience store stepped over a woman dying from stab wounds with one stopping only to take a picture on a mobile phone. The incident captured on surveillance video in a Kansas convenience store on June 23 of this year shows 27-year-old LaShanda Calloway lying bleeding after being stabbed in a robbery that she was innocently caught up in, AP reports. It took about two minutes for someone to call police to report the crime while five shoppers stepped over the prone woman, police said.

Good Luck, Though.

You’re also the most powerful generation in human history.  That’s basically because you’re young.  The human race is more powerful now than it’s ever been, right?  And nearly everyone else in the human race is older than you are, right?  Including all the people who control you right now?  So they’re all going to die before you do, right?

Statistically, most of you don’t want to be in school.  Statistically, you’re all using the internet.  Statistically, you all have email and most of you are on MySpace or Facebook.  So why are you still in school?  Why aren’t you getting organized and doing nationwide boycotts?  Why are you complaining like you’re helpless? 

Think about this: even if you feel totally alone, isolated and powerless in your own school, there are over 28,000 other schools in this country.  All of them have one to five kids who think just like you do.  If it bothers you to think about that, grow up and dig it for what it is: it’s an advantage.  You can get in touch with them, and you can keep one another sane, and use the same source of power that your teachers, parents and parole officers use: synergy. 

That means that together, you’re stronger than you are individually.  So stop insisting you’re special or different and be thankful that there’s six billion flavors of human being.  I’d explain further, but Uncle Hump has to go smoke a joint now.  You kids run along.

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Posted Jul 07, 2007 18 comments

There are many hilariously intricate arguments against circumcision, but for this article, the second in the series, I wanted something different.  So I wrote up a totally fabricated rant about a conspiracy to harvest little kid’s foreskins and sell them as beauty products.  It was a pretty damn strange article, and I paused for awhile before posting it. 

That’s a good thing, because it turned out my fictional nightmare is actually daily reality here in the United States.  I found out a few days after banging out my fever dream that hospitals do, in fact, keep the foreskin and resell it at a great profit.  It’s sadly obvious that parents are not told about this, either. I know what you’re thinking—this jackass is just being paranoid—but buckle up.  The abundance of evidence, not to mention money, just compounds the surrealism.  How did I not know about this? 

Well, because I’m stupid, and usually high.  But that’s not really the point.

So What Is The Point?

Check out TNS Recovery Complex—down among the ingredients, you can see “Basic Fibroblast Growth Factor (bFGF)” and you might be wonder if it’s foreskins.  Answer: Possibly.  There would appear to be a number of sources for “Fibroblasts”—which are just connective tissue, a “cellular matrix” that grows and regenerates cells.  They get used for many applications, like healing wounds and burns, and facial cream for the ladies.

However, a quick search does yield up disturbing white papers like A Culture System Using Human Foreskin Fibroblasts As Feeder Cells Allows Production of Human Embryonic Cells.  (Yummy....here’s the PDF)

In case you’re not fully grasping what that means, they’re saying they can use human foreskins to create human embryos, and if that doesn’t spook the living shit out of you, you should probably go visit Wikipedia and catch up on human biology.  In the next week, I’ll be exploring more fully how all the weirdest science fiction in human history has become daily reality in the past five years.

SO WHERE DOES TNS RECOVERY GET THEIR STUFF?  You could ask one of their vendors....so I did. I don’t know why I’m actually putting effort into a Hump Jones article, either, but here’s the fruits of my labor:

Hi there,

Indeed it is made from proteins and other ingredients that have been found in foreskins, but we don’t think they actually get live foreskins and use them. We believe they reformulated it in a lab (like cloning).

Here is a link to a lot of information on TNS Recovery Complex, as we sell it right here on the site and the whole Skin Medica line. We offer samples of other skinmedica products with a purchase.

So, hot damn.  We’ve established the most surreal angle of this story is factually true—there are old women spending lots of money in order to rub foreskin puree all over their faces. Honestly, with that out of the way, I have no interest whatsoever in continuing this investigation. Especially with a brainpan full of hasish, you know?  You know.

No Rest For The WIKKET

ajolla, California. A U.S. Food and Drug (FDA) Committee recommended FDA approval of Dermagraft, artificial skin made from circumcised baby foreskins to treat diabetic foot ulcers, on condition that manufacturer Advanced Tissue Sciences, Inc., do a post-marketing study. NOCIRC’s attorney was given just five minutes to speak to the Committee in defense of the babies whose foreskins are cut off and marketed without their consent.

“Just five minutes”?  That’s a little ungrateful, don’t you think?  I mean, they’re babies, they can’t talk at all....they’re lucky to have an attorney at that age.  So the FDA doesn’t give a fucking fuck about American bodies and lives—yeah, there’s a shocker, huh?

Just Doing Their Job

Of course, foreskins are being harvested anyways, right?  Why not use them?  Why not make a profit off of them?  After all, Hospitals need the money, baby. Americans might have paid OVER $130 BILLION in income taxes last year, but sadly, we just can’t afford to give our citizens health care—we’ve got people to kill in other countries. 

Do you think there might be an overlap between doctors who advocate circumcision and the corporations who profit from this? Even though most of the articles flying around about this implicate Advanced Tissue Sciences, that company went bankrupt in 2003. Perhaps that’s further proof that bloggers are exactly like journalists: stupid as dick and lazy as fuck. 

The point is that companies never just go bankrupt—that’s a shell game and you if you’re dumb enough to fall for that, you deserve to be harvested, right? ATS became a company known as SkinMedica—foreskin tissue cultures and all.  What’s the hottest product that SkinMedica offers?  You already know: TNS Recovery.

On a related note, if I told you that the director of the World Health Organization’s HIV/AIDS Department is saying stuff like “male circumcision has major potential for the prevention of HIV infection”?  Would you believe me if I told you that official’s name was Kevin De Kock? More on the UN’s insatiable hunger for human foreskins in a future installment of the Circumcision Saga....let’s get back on track:

Meet Patricia Wexler

It was Patricia Wexler who went on Oprah and slipped up enough to make this article possible:

Dr. Wexler also mentioned a new product that boosts collagen production and can rejuvenate skin called TNS Recovery Complex. TNS is comprised from six natural human growth factors found in normal healthy skin. Dr. Wexler told us the factors are engineered from human foreskin!

That’s still up on the Oprah website to this day.  Check it out for yourself...it’s allllll the way at the bottom of the article.  How much is TNS Recovery Complex? A little under $100 for a single tube. How much is in a single tube? “0.63 ounces”.

UP NEXT: Remember that white paper from the beginning of the article?  Here’s the best line: “As substrate cells, we decided to use commercially available human foreskin fibroblasts.” Are you wondering how much human foeskin is commercially available?  I was, too.  We’ll sniff around the growing market in human tissue and see if we find anything edible in the dumpster, probably tomorrow, possibly next Wednesday.

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Filed in: Sex Science

Posted Jun 21, 2007 2 comments

Here’s the biggest trick I learned this past year: you need to settle your brain down in order to actually think, or even see what’s in front of you. You need to spend a lot of time doing nothing to settle your brain down.  For some people that’s meditation, swimming, drawing, working out, and possibly a few other things, maybe.

The flip side is, when you do actually do something, you need to do it into the ground. Do it until police start screaming and aiming guns at you, do it until chunks of it’s brain are embedded in your knuckles for weeks afterwards. You know what I’m saying?

No? What I’m Saying:

In the 1980’s, Micheal Milken invented a crime nobody even realized was possible.  When the Federal government realized what he was doing, they shit their pants—because he was fabricating money on a level that rivalled the Federal Reserve, and shifting the balance of power way more than a single man should. So a young Rudy Guiliani was called in to to sink his little Fascist teeth into Milken’s leg. 

Yes, I realize Rudy is watching me write that. That’s not my point.

My point is that between the moment Milken figured out how to leverage high-yield bonds and the moment the Feds finally shut him down, Milken had safely stashed over two billion dollars, and he still has most of it today.

In the course of my young life, I’ve gone through easily $50,000 in stolen music, movies and software.  If you think that’s morally wrong, I would formally invite you to suck my parole officer’s dick.  My generation has more power at their disposal than any generation in human history.  Period. We mostly use it for Nelly albums and porn.  I’m not judging that, I just think it’s so lazy and stupid you should be beaten by a Kodiak bear.

Can’t Afford the Bear...

...and honestly, I don’t care.  People do what people do, and we mostly just twiddle our thumbs until death claims us.  If that’s your strategy, yeah...good luck and all that...we’ll be over here, smashing our foreheads into the brick walls you build every day.  I’m not complaining, because I know something most of you don’t: pretty soon, we’re gonna finally break through that wall, and then Things Will Be Changing Quickly. Stay tuned.

Police in Moldova, the poorest country in eastern Europe, are chasing a bank robber with an unusual style of robbery. The man, who has been identified as Vladimir Kozak, puts the bank staff into a hypnotic state and convinces them to give him cash.

Vladimir, 49, is believed to have stolen tens of thousands of dollars from banks. Police say bank employees are unable to resist being hypnotized and then hand over cash to Vladimir while under his power.

Vladimir is said to hypnotize the bank tellers by using a technique involving eye contact. Vladimir’s biggest haul was last week when he convinced a bank employee to give him $12,000. Police say the total figure stolen may be more than $40,000.

Remember the Bucky Challenge?

It’s pretty straightforward: “If success or failure of this planet and of human beings depended on how I am and what I do, HOW WOULD I BE? WHAT WOULD I DO?” It’s a hell of a thought, but it has very little resonance for most people.  Partly that’s due to conditioning—heroes are actors on a screen, problems are beyond our power to solves, solutions come from our technocratic priesthood who speak a version of English most of us cannot understand.

Partly that’s due to the fact people have so many excuses: they work jobs that eat up most of their time, they lack the education to be of much use in saving the world, they have health problems they need to deal with first.  Etcetera.

However, for those of us with way too much free time on our hands, Bucky’s Challenge is the Demon that hunches on our shoulders at 4 in the morning, mocking and chastizing us for wasting another Non-Replacable Day on.....what, exactly? I get a lot of people telling me they don’t even think I’m real, because I “get so much done”—but I have something horrible to tell you: IT IS NEVER ENOUGH.

You push harder, you re-organize your life, you assess all your actions, you make daily changes, and yet you never actually progress.  Sure, other people see your productivity increasing, and many folks will express disbelief at “how fast you’re moving”—but yet to you, nothing ever changes.  It is never enough. 

You Live in an Insane Asylum

Not a metaphor, not a joke, not poetry: a simple statement.  The vast majority of human beings on this planet are out of their minds.  They obey invsible monsters, they’re infected with language viruses, and they’re all willing to kill you over beliefs they don’t even understand.

A comedian said it: “You can’t fix stupid.” That’s something so infinitely empty, so soul-crushingly heavy, that only a comedian could say it.  Because no matter how hard you work on your own life and your own contributions to the human species, there are several billion dumb motherfuckers, and they’re getting more stupid, more confused, and more angry, every single day.

So the moral of this story goes a little...something...like thisssss:

IT’S BEEN THOUSANDS OF YEARS, AND ALL EXISTING HUMAN STRATEGIES HAVE PROVEN TO BE FAILURES. YOU’RE NEVER TOO CRAZY.  YOU’RE NEVER WORKING TOO HARD.  YOU’RE NEVER PUSHING YOURSELF TOO MUCH.  FACT IS, YOU’RE NOT NEARLY INSANE ENOUGH.

“You have to put this in perspective,” says Ron Sperling. “Here’s a guy on parole in New Jersey, wearing a fucking ankle bracelet, and in 90 days he builds up a million-dollar business.  I know respected businessmen who couldn’t do that if you gave them five years.”

--from this Stuff Magazine article

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Filed in: Zeitgeist

Posted Jun 20, 2007 3 comments

The jury is still very much out on wether or not Joeseph Smith, the Freemason who founded the Church of Latter Day Saints, was a true believer, or pulling the most ambitious scam of his time.  There is a long and rich history of honest people being honestly decieved by non-human intelligences—St. Paul of Tarsas was attacked on the road to Damascus, Moses was tormented by a demon named Jehovah, and Mohammed was abducted by aliens and came back with the first known case of Stockholm Syndrome.  So there is a precedent.

However, Joeseph Smith, and the Monotheism Joke as a whole, is not what I’m going to discuss today.  No, I’m going to talk about sex—hot, sweaty, blood relative sex. If that doesn’t turn you on, you should seek professional help. 

Hot, Sweaty, Cousin Love

LET ME BE PERFECTLY CLEAR RIGHT HERE AND NOW: The vast majority of Mormons do not practice polygamy, and in fact that’s been true for as long as the Church of Latter Day Saints has existed.  Let me also be clear that this is not some “HA HA” fingerpointing playground bullshit either—as far as bizarre sex practices go, having multiple wives is not nearly as fucked-up as stoning women to death in public.

Wow, this has been a truly hilarious article so far.

Anyways, in addition to the Church of Latter Day Saints—who produce what really are some of the best ads on TV—there is also the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints, and you can tell just by the name that they’re motherfucking crazy, objectively speaking.  There’s not a lot of them.  Law enforcement has estimated their ranks to be around 6,000 members, although they claim over 10,000.  (Yeah, and Scientology has millions of satisfied customers around the world...)

What separates the FLDS is their stance on polygamy.  All morality aside, having multiple wives isn’t really a major problem as long as you’ve got the money to support 10,000 kids.  The problem is—and this is the source of most social problems -- polygamy is illegal.  In other words, the only solution some dipshit legislator could think of was passing a law about human behavior and morality.  Which always works.

Because of this, the FLDS has to operate in secret, often in claustrophobically small communities out in the desert.  Because of this, the bloodlines of these communities are shrinking over the years, and for the FLDS, ”polygamy” is becoming increasingly intertwined with ”incest”.  Because of this, the FLDS is essentially becoming the biggest petri dish in the history of genetics. 

The Wages of Sin, or Something

Nearly everyone in Colorado City, Arizona, and the adjacent town of Hildale, Utah, was a member of a fundamentalist Mormon sect that practices polygamy and had long encouraged multiple marriages between close relatives.

By the late 1990s, Tarby and his team had discovered fumarase deficiency was occurring in the greatest concentration in the world among the fundamentalist Mormon polygamists of northern Arizona and southern Utah.

Of even greater concern was the fact that the recessive gene that triggers the disease was rapidly spreading to thousands of individuals living in the community because of decades of inbreeding.

--from this excellent and disturbing article in the Phoenix New Times.  (The Old Times was obviously too puss to cover this story.)

There’s a lot of eye-opening factoids and insights in that article, but I will only poach one more:

About half of the 8,000 people living in the towns are blood relatives of two of the founding families that settled in the 1930s

Do the math.

Meet Warren Jeffs

You might recognize Warren Jeffs as “that child rapist guy who the FBI arrested last year.” Sick parasite whore Nancy Grace had a field day—well, a field month—when that happened, and most of the media lemmings followed her shameless lead.  Predictably, most news outlets flogged the “exploited little girls” angle to the fullest possible extent, but the really interesting meat is the internal politics and dynamics of the increasingly insane FLDS leadership:

In order to reach the highest degree of glory in heaven, members of the FLDS believe that each man must have at least three wives. A significant means of prophet power is derived from his ability to punish followers by reassigning their wives, children and homes to another man. Obedience is highly valued, and it is rare for wives to resist reassignment.

When Warren’s dad Rufon Jeffs passed away, it marked a major transition for the FLDS.  When Warren took over as head Prophet of the Church, he accelerated the crazy right off the bat.  His first announcement to the community included one of the most memorable lines I have ever read, anywhere, under any circumstances:

“I won’t say much, but I will say this - hands off my father’s wives.”

He went on to marry all of his father’s wives, and continued to take on even more wives after that—at the time of his arrest in 2006, he had over 60 of them.  In addition to these admirable traits, Jeffs was also slightly prejudiced against the blacks, remarking “The black race is the people through which the devil has always been able to bring evil unto the earth.”

Of course, that kind of thinking is completely unlike the mainstream Mormons.  Well, not really...frankly, the entire history of Mormonism is full of shockingly racist quotes about “The Negro” by their spiritual and political leaders.  It is an article of Mormon faith that black people have dark skin because they were cursed by God, and Mormons only changed their tune in the past few decades because they were forced to.  Just like how the Ford Motor Company no longer publishes magazines singing the praises of Adolf Hitler—it just wouldn’t look good.

The simple fact is this: Black people were not allowed to set foot in Mormon temples until 1978, also known as ”twenty-four years after Brown vs. Board of Education.”

In Closing

Jehovah is a sick monster, and anyone who believes his claim to have created the Universe is a gullible fool.  If I were as debased and callous as Jehovah, I’d be selling you cures for cancer and penis enlargement pills—or better yet, eternal life and The Answer to all your meaningless questions.

I didn’t write (pbuh) at the end of “Mohammed” because who knows...someday that might be illegal here in these United States.  I’m going to enjoy my heresy while it lasts, baby.  Let’s just say I’m practicing ”Infidelity.”

In closing, if you can’t take me talking shit about your religion, that’s utterly pathetic, and proof positive you don’t really believe any of the bullshit you spew out. If you have the Creator of the Universe on your side, and you know The Truth about the Cosmos...and yet my stoned sarcasm is enough to offend you...it’s time to seriously re-examine your “beliefs,” folks.  Because you’re not even fooling yourselves with those lies.

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Filed in: Sex Science

Posted Jun 16, 2007 7 comments

The Reverend E.F. Briggs died shortly before Christmas last year.  He lived in a nursing home in West Virginia at the time.  Briggs was a Catholic priest, and in his later years he felt that Holy See was coming under attack—for Briggs, America was a Christian nation, and Athiesm was a crime.  I would also like to mention that he looks exceptionally cute and cuddly in that photo. You just want to hug the old guy, don’t you?

Yes, I Mentioned a Digital Ghost

E.F. Briggs is living a second life on the internets these days, as the ghost behind the billboard you were just reading.  He paid for a number of them and proudly displayed his address.  I have no problem with hateful old people, they’re mostly pretty funny to me.  I chose to look at them affectionately—Perry Farrell said that elderly people become like children again, and he was totally wrong about that, but it was still a great song.  If I took hateful old people seriously, they’d be very depressing.

This angle interests me a great deal—it has immense potential, and I will probably blow it completely with this article. 

But I’m still going to try, because Everett Francis Briggs is too complex for me to just make fun of.  Now that he’s dead—he’s gone, there is no more E.F. Briggs in West Virginia today—what becomes of his thoughts, his words, his hatred and fear?  I put up an unusually insane Letter to the Editor up on Brainsturbator months back—what if the lady who wrote that was dead today?  Should we not be concerned over how dangerously stupid she was?

Here’s a conversation we need to have as a culture: there’s some amazingly dumb people walking around today.  I am definitely one of them.  I shouldn’t have guns at all, seriously. I am not alone—there’s hundreds of millions of people even dumber than me.  They have jobs, they operate motor vehicles, they have graduated from major universities, many of them are in positions of power and make decisions that affect the lives of thousands, sometimes millions, of other people.  Is that dangerous?

Of course it is, but what are we going to do? I talk to so many earnest young people in bars who have great plans to Save the World, and they would all work, if everyone would just agree on a few things.  It sounds simple, rational, sane, logical, workable, normal to talk about changing other people...what people need to do....you sick, sick animals.  I don’t even know who I’m aiming that at—probably myself more than any of you.

Thanks For All The Fish

Allegedly, Dolphins are “The Only Other Species That Has Sex For Pleasure.” This is common sense, repeated so often by so many people that it must be suspect.  After all, consider what kind of position humanity is in to say something like that.  How exactly do we know this about dolphins? Did we ask them?  How would we determine if other species have sex for pleasure?  Especially other species that we haven’t kept in captivity, under scientific observation for the past century?  Can you see where I’m going with this?

Just the same, it’s a heavy concept: dolphins f*** for f**.  So do humans.  This is a major reason all systems of Morality are equally hilarious to me.  Unlike the vast majority of people who claim to be “religious,” I truly do consider the possibility of a Creator being (or beings) sculpting life on Earth. 

The Big Question is: how do you figure out what that Creator intended?  Through books written by humans who claim to speak for it?  Or through the actual design choices exhibited all throughout it’s creation? As we’ve seen, the system behind human sexual arousal is a very fine-tuned peice of work.  Although the biofeedback system can tell the difference between penetrative sex and masturbation, there is nothing anywhere in the hormonal or neurological detection chain that tells the body wether or not you’re married to the creature you’re having sex with.  Weird, huh? 

If God actually cared, you’d think that sort of thing would be built into the code—especially since taboos like incest have an actual biological mechanism at work behind them: your kids are exponentially more likely to have birth defects if you knock up a blood relative. 

The Digital Ghost of Humpasaur Jones

Think about your digital trail.  I think about mine all the time—so much, in fact, that I’ve worked out nearly a dozen different methods to make money off my Information Halo.  Sure, I’ve got more personas than Kool Keith and James Jesus Angleton combined: so what? That’s just basic business strategy—if you can’t afford to hire employees, fabricate them wholesale.  (This only gets complicated when you’re explaining “what you do” to family members just catching up to e-mail.)

Every email you’ve sent, every e-argument where you threw an emoticon tantrum, every petty social network dispute, and man...that’s not even the meaty stuff.  How about all the pornography you’ve looked at? A hyper-detailed model of your sexual desires, laid out in day-to-day, year-to-year clarity for anyone building a psychological profile of You.

Le’ts be serious, here: do any of you honestly believe you’ll have even a ghost of a chance if some intelligence agency decided to target you?  Do you have any conception of the resources that will be brought to bear upon thy forehead, should The Powers That Be deem you a serious threat?

...and me? I’m not even a joke threat.  I’m a caged animal like the rest of you, just like all the dolphins dealing with unpaid interns watching them f*** for f** in a tank somewhere.  Taking notes on a clipboard.  Writing everything down. 

It’s science, baby—welcome to the future.

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