Humpjones

Posted Apr 04, 2008 11 comments

How do you do it? How do you ignore that socially-imposed anxiety? How do you push past the fear? Can you advise me in any way?

Well, boy howdy...good question.

When this first hit my inbox, I knew I was in trouble. 

Humpasaur Jones is mostly just a mask, but it’s also a mask that I carved by hand, and it happens to fit perfectly.  So there’s no sense trying to hide behind something that’s basically transparent, right? 

I’d like to believe that David Blaine can levitate, but I’ve got magician buddies who’ve demonstrated the trick in front of me.  I’d like to believe that making mad money off The Internets is a path to financial freedom and total happiness, but that’s basically on par with buying lottery tickets.

Most of all, I’d like to believe that simple willpower, self-discipline and raw balls is enough to make life work. 

It’s actually not, though.  So when that question first got posed to me, many months ago, I knew I was fucked because it was a reflection of the Exact Same Question I’d been posing to myself for over a year.  No answer then, no answer since.

I’m thinking about it, though.  The answer will involve sex and weird biology.  Many people will disagree with me and leave detailed comments explaining why.  In other words, business as usual is getting underway once again.  Buckle up.

11 comments

Filed in: Dear Humpasaur

Posted Mar 20, 2008 7 comments

“Gee whiz, Uncle Humpasaur, you’ve been gone a long time.”

True indeed. I’ve been working on the 100+ articles I already published here—reformatting and expanding the material into the upcoming book.  I’ve been working on new material, too, but I’m going to save it up for awhile.  I’m doing most of my writing over at the very un-sexy website Audible Hype, which is devoted to helping independent artists with their DIY music career.

In the meantime, I’d like to share the advance copy of my first album.  The final tracklist will be a little different—there’s a couple of gems I haven’t included in this collection.  There’s a couple of tracks on this advance which won’t be on the physical CD.  Keep it Moist will be coming out on World-Around Records and once we’ve got a release date, you will know about it. In the meantime, enjoy this offering and pass it along to anyone and everyone who might dig it.

“KEEP IT MOIST” in .RAR format

7 comments

Filed in: The Music

Posted Jan 02, 2008 69 comments

How can any self-respecting, honest and proud American patriot hate on a Faith-Based Free Market Solution? That’s my question to you, the overwhelmingly weak liberal readers of Hump Jones dot com.  It’s been stated clearly and repeatedly since the beginning of the Global War on Terror (aka The GWOT) this this is Jehovah vs. Allah: Smackdown in the Desert, but that’s a gross over-simplification.  It’s obviously way more complex than that, including overtones of Jerry Bruckheimer Presents World War Three, Starring Will Smith and Kiefer Sutherland.  But I don’t want to get too political or theoretical, here.

Hump Jones Police Report Remix

This is all from an actual report, I just re-arranged it for narrative clarity:

According to the police report, Varemond had asked his girlfriend and his mother, Anne Marie Saget, to pray with him.

When they started to pray, Lagrandeur noticed Varemond “change,” she told police. He locked the doors and jumped on Lagrandeur and started biting her on her back and beating her head with the iron.

Varemond says he hit his sister in the head with an iron so he could release the demons that he said were inside of her. When his 80-year-old mother intervened and tried to stop him, he allegedly bit off her fingertip and started pulling his own teeth out, a police report said.

On Sunday, police kicked down a bedroom door to find Varemond, 44, straddling his girlfriend, Yolette Lagrandeur, 33, a Haitian recording artist and AIDS activist. A Delray Beach police officer drew his gun and ordered Varemond to put his hands in the air, and officers tried to stun him three times with a Taser, only to have the device malfunction each time.

He was taken to the Palm Beach County Jail on charges of attempted homicide, battery, false imprisonment and resisting arrest with violence…

All bounty hunters get caught, eventually.  All pirates get busted at least once.  The Key Question for 2008 is twofold:

1) How much have they already fucked us?

I walk up to you in a bar, visibly drunk.  You know, vithiblee drunkh. I say to you: “The Roman Catholic Church has vowed to ‘fight the Devil head-on’ by training hundreds of priests as exorcists.” Do you think I’m channeling some visionary bullshit, or quoting from a recent newpaper article? Like I have to keep reminding myself: we live in post-reality now, so get used to weirdness. Increase your signal tolerance.

2) How much can we get away with?

As I’ve already mentioned in “Making Money off the War on Sex”, the Vatican has really a lot of money.  It’s important to define a business plan, and you base a business plan on PAIN RELIEF.  You identify the PAIN, and you provide the RELIEF.  Here’s the suffering:

“Too many bishops are not taking this seriously and are not delegating their priests in the fight against the Devil. You have to hunt high and low for a proper, trained exorcist.”

Can you feel the pain or what?

Easy Entry, Huge Opportunity

Check out how low the standards are and tell me you can’t round up just three friends to put in a solid week of amateur exorcism!  This is not just an investment, this is a vacation! This is definitely the most promising career opportunity of 2008, as economic stress increases exponentially and perfectly normal people go completely insane.  This is a growth market, and not everyone is sleeping on it: check out Joel Osteen, who’s doing mainstream positioning for a fundamentalist publicity stunt he’s going to pull in 2008. 

“Fr Amorth added that Pope Benedict XVI wanted to reinstate use of the prayer said to St Michael the Archangel, believed to be the prime protector against evil.

He said: “The prayer is useful not only for priests but for lay people. For example if a lay person knows someone who is possessed and there is no exorcist available they can intervene by saying this prayer, commanding the demon to leave that person.”

That’s right, you read it—THIS MEANS YOU. Jump in on behalf of Lord Jesus, and the Vatican has got your back. Yeah, The Vatican, who control trillions in assets, have their own embassies, and make decisions for one sixth of the the world’s population.

So hey, the Prayer to St. Micheal the Archangel?  Yeah, I got it right here.  This is all you need. Memorize this, get a large bible (hint: save money, go to a church) and some cool-looking blunt objects.  You can find crazy poor people anywhere.  If they kill you, you probably deserved it.  Welcome to the Kali Yuga!

Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray; and do Thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host -
by the Divine Power of God -
cast into hell, satan and all the evil spirits, who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls.
Amen.

As a paranoid subtext, are you aware of military psychedelic weapons like BZ? Do you think that elements within the US government could be targeting people in the counterculture and driving them completely insane?  Who the fuck bites off his mom’s finger?  Who starts pulling out his own teeth?  Was there more to Twelve Monkeys than I give it credit for?  Are you healthy enough to survive a virus epidemic, this week?  Can you visualize the steps it will take to get there?

69 comments

Filed in: The War on Sex

Posted Dec 31, 2007 2 comments

2 comments

Filed in:

Posted Dec 30, 2007 4 comments

Carl Jung was fond of pulling out a “random” book from his shelves, opening said book to a “random” page, and seeking advice from what he happened to find there.  He was tapping the fearsome power of synchronicity, and he called this whole procedure “Bibliomancy.” Of course, the power weirdo of today has much more impressive tools at their disposal, and some of them are even useful.  The Internets are an endless (literally infinite) cascade of information getting connected, re-formatted, stripped of context and meaning, and processed into...well, pointless bullshit on Humpjones.com, for instance.

It’s a brave new something, for sure.  On Sundays, I like to pretend I’m not a total failure and act like I deserve to relax.  It’s fun to play pretend. I was dicking around with the computer and I wound up looking at two “random” articles I found on two “random” websites.  Of course, as any real mutant knows, there’s visible structure and invisible structure, but nothing anywhere is ever random. 

Do Monkeys Fake It, Too?

Here’s the greatest lines of 2007:

Female monkeys often utter loud, distinctive calls before, during or after sex. Their exact function, if any, has remained heavily debated.

That works on every concievable level of interpretation.  The study found a huge correlation between women—I mean, female primates—making noise and male primates blowing loads.  I mean, ejaculating.  Man, I’m getting rusty on my sexologist routine.  Spasmodic and rhythmic muscular contractions indicating the presence of ejaculatory orgasm.

Sorry, just clearing my throat.

There’s no causality here, though...which came first, the screams or the pumping jizz?  Do females adapt to males or vice versa?  When you think about it, this is very similar to posing the question of why the penis is shaped to fit into a vagina.  Or is a cunt designed to accomodate dick? This is, of course, the classic stuff of philosophy, and familiar to grade school students everywhere in the USA.  I leave the reader to their own intepretations, assumptions and other such handicaps.

The Dark Side of NASA

Here’s the second greatest paragraph of 2007:

“The issue of sex in space is a serious one,” he says. “The experiments carried out so far relate to missions planned for married couples on the future International Space Station, the successor to Mir. Scientists need to know how far sexual relations are possible without gravity.”

As any trained cosmonaut could tell you, the only answer to that question is: how cute is he, and how drunk am I? It’s a sausage fest up there, we can only guess why someone would think to emphasize “married couples” since that reduces the total field of candidates to....oh, right, these guys:

Jan Davis and Mark Lee met each other during astronaut training and got married before they took off for STS-47, and it’s probably rude to refer to them as “NASA’s guinea pigs of full penetration love”, for instance.  If I was Mark Lee, I wouldn’t want some random sex rapper referring to me as a “Lab Stud” on some damn fool website.  Good think I’m not Mark Lee, though—I wouldn’t want to deal with the creeping paranoia and claustrophobic jealously of being The Only Guy in Space Who’s Getting Laid.  I’ve got a lot of questions for him—did you have to wear sensors?  Did they fill up the whole shuttle with cameras?  Did your fellow crew memebers get to watch or did you just bang in the bathroom?

More importantly, why hasn’t NASA designed a space suit for two?  Instead of dealing with cramped quarters and metal walls that actually amplify your moans and grunts, why not step outside and bang in the total vacuum privacy of outer space?  These are the kind of insights that will be making me the Big Money someday.

Mark and Jan, as near as I can figure out when I’m this high, are the only people who’ve had sex in space without making Jehovah angry.  (Oh yeah...why hasn’t NASA found Heaven? Why do I talk to Christians like they’re adults?) I have no way of knowing if Sex Testing Out of Wedlock has taken place on any NASA voyages, but given my operational knowledge of human nature, the answer is OF COURSE THEY FUCKING HAVE. 

Russian weirdo Yuri Malenchenko got married while he was onboard the space station Mir—and his wife was on the surface, thousands of miles away.  (Oddly enough, the dude got married in Texas at the Johnson Space Center.) That was in 2003, and he’s currently back up in the ISS for a six-month tour of duty, once again.  He touches back down in April 2008, just in time for the solar flares that wipe out Asia.

In Space, No One Can Hear You Scream

Was Marshall McLuhan just a crazy fucking stoner? When he talked about “acoustic space”—what did he really mean?  Do still think in terms of “up” and “down” even though you know better?  Down is inward, towards the center of our spherical earth.  Up is outward, towards the infinite Nothing Much that we float through.  And yet we all still live our lives on a 2-dimensional stage.  Force of habit, I guess.

In the next Sex Science 3030 article, I promise to address how our bodies (and privates) will evolve in space...but I what I can’t wrap my head around is how our minds will evolve.  Once you’re in space, free of earth-based interference and the electromagnetic noise of our shitty human appliances, I suspect that our clairivoyant and psychic abilities will develop to an unthinkable degree.  This is an article I’ve held off on writing for a long time—mostly since it’s going to involve actual research and work.

However, the Universe has spoken, and it’s time.  Like it or not, Uncle Hump is back and I’m going to make the Internets into a much, much weirder place in the next few weeks.  Tell your friends.

PLEASE SEND US PORNO AND BOOZE ASAP

4 comments

Filed in: Sex Science